Poet pens verses for Hiscox

He may have built his reputation as a punk poet, but now John Cooper Clarke is working for an insurance company.

The 75-year-old writer – a regular on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Do Countdown – was hired by Hiscox to pen a series of poems inspired by unusual insurance claims. 

They range from a wildlife photographer who had his equipment stolen by baboons to a thieving poltergeist and a farmer who claimed for the loss of his prize bull’s semen. 

The £4billion firm have renamed the ‘bard of Salford’ as their '(Under)Writer in Residence' for the commission.

Cooper Clarke said: ‘Just as nobody would have predicted that I’d end up in the insurance bracket, it turns out there’s not much that you can safely predict in running a small business. Insurance may seem like a mundane realm, but as the poems show, it’s a rich tapestry of human chaos, from tragedy to comedy and beyond.’

Fiona Mayo, chief marketing officer at Hiscox UK, said: "We're delighted to welcome John Cooper Clarke to the Hiscox family as our (Under)Writer in Residence. His passion for understanding people and their stories really resonates with us, and it's been fascinating to observe his creative take on our customer claims.

'His new poems are there to be enjoyed but are also a great reminder of how important it is to be ready for life's unexpected challenges.' 

Here are Cooper Clarke's verses – and videos of him reading them:

The bull and the farmer  

A farmer whose prize bull suddenly dies 
Must say his goodbye to next year's prize  
The best in the biz  
They were selling his fizz 
Then everything went in the red 
It's spermatazoa  
Isn’t a goer  
Now the poor animal's dead  
But the farmer’s earnings  
May yet be returning  
The insurance paid up instead.  

The baboon and the photographer 

A wildlife snapper in the Kenyan greenery 
Figured baboons were just part of the scenery 
Until they swiped all the fella’s machinery 
Cheeky monkeys or what? 
Still Hiscox paid on the spot. 

Cat and cat 

They fought like cat and cat - who's that? 
This client’s two kittens in a spat  
A cup of coffee got spilt - evidence of their destructive guilt  
There disabled on the kitchen table  
His laptop sabotaged it can't be rebuilt  
Hiscox responded with admirable haste  
And instantly the machine replaced  
So put this on your blog 
It wouldn't have happened with a dog.  

Electric fence   

For a citizen in the countryside  
It could have been worse he might have died  
Most people would rather suspend their suspense  
Than put to the test an electric fence  
This one guy however had no common sense  
He sued the landowner who claimed recompense  
and was fortunately covered for just such events  
A nasty shock then a pleasant surprise  
for no one is, at all times, wise.  

Poltergeist and the jewellery   

A few years ago a jewellery heist 
was carried out by a poltergeist  
gone was the gelt and away went the ice  
Then the items returned  
Lessons were learned  
And the compo refunded all legal and nice. 

Published: 22 Mar 2024