Tough news agenda as panel show returns

Have I Got News For You returns to screens tonight – with war in Ukraine the far-from-funny top item on the agenda.

However, the panel eked laughs out of the fact that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and Ukrainian peace negotiators  may have been poisoned – and the failings of the Russian military. 

‘How did the head of the Russian negotiations team explain the withdrawal of forces from around Kyiv?’ asks host Clive Myrie. 

‘It's a new phase of the war, it’s called "defeat",’ said Ian Hislop. 

‘Yeah, he said Russia was "reducing its combat operations to build trust". I'm sure that's worked well," joked Myrie. ‘Who was involved in the negotiations?"’

‘Roman Abramovich, the former-ish owner of Chelsea. Except he got poisoned in a way that sounded quite suspicious.

‘Him and a couple of Ukrainian MPs woke up the next day with temporary loss of vision and peeling skin. Which as far as I know, happens to about 100,000 British holiday makers every year,’ said journalist Helen Lewis. 

‘So who asked him to be part of the negotiation?’ asked Myrie. 

"It is quite confusing because about two weeks ago, he was someone who had never met Putin, didn't like him, had no contact with him. Yesterday, he's the chief negotiator, is he?,’ said Hislop.

’It does suggest that he might have been a bit of an oligarch all along, as opposed to a gracious benefactor of the noble game.’ 

‘I knew this was going to happen,’ said panellist  Andy Hamilton.’ Every time I come on the show, all Ian wants to talk about is football, football, football…’

‘The good news is that the world is still intact, we're all still here,’ said Myrie. 

‘Well you don’t know, there's the repeat to come…’ Hamilton pointed out. 

‘Yeah, if the globe is wiped out via a nuclear Holocaust, won’t you look silly!, Paul Merton replied.

• Have I Got News For You returns to BBC One tonight at 9pm

Published: 1 Apr 2022