Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is a joke

Gag about the disgraced royal tops list of topical Christmas Cracker one-liners

A joke about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor losing his titles over his links to paedophile Jeffrey Epstein has won the annual competition to find the best new Christmas cracker joke.

Ben Smith, from Chelmsford, won the hunt by comedy channel U&Gold with his line: ‘Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles.’

Gags had to be clean, short, original, and inspired by the events of 2025.

The top ten were:

Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles!
Why don’t Noel and Liam want to open their presents early on Christmas morning? They need a little time to wake up.
Which pop star carves her own wooden Nativity scene? Sabrina Carpenter
What do Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and a snowman have in common? They're both out in the cold.
What is a French burglar's favourite Christmas film? Louvre, Actually.
Could Lily Allen and David Harbour get back together for Christmas? Stranger Things have happened!
Why won’t Angela Rayner get any Christmas presents this year? Santa can’t decide which address to deliver to.
What is Claudia Winkleman's favourite part of Christmas dinner? The Taters
Does Celia Imrie beat her family at Christmas party games? Yes, she trumps them all
Where has Santa been more than Nigel Farage? His house in Clacton

Aside from Smith – who wins £1,500 towards a holiday, a festive hamper and a box of bespoke U&Gold Christmas crackers – the broadcaster did not release the names of who wrote the other gags.

Contributed jokes were shortlisted by a panel of judges and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau called the the top ten ‘an absolutely stellar list of jokes … possibly one of our best ever in the 13 years U&Gold has been running this competition.’

And Gerald Casey, director of comedy and entertainment programmes at UKTV said it was ‘another fantastic year of hilarious entries, showing that the British public are a funny as ever when it comes to the news.’

The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of U&Gold’s Christmas crackers, which will be presented to this year’s winners.

The competition helps publicise U&Gold’s Christmas programming, including the likes of The Vicar of Dibley, The Fast Show and Only Fools and Horses.

Published: 15 Dec 2025