Tweets of the week

Tweets of the week

Don't miss tonight's Tory leadership debate, in which candidates nobody likes will make promises nobody believes so they can become a prime minister nobody elected, leading a party nobody trusts.

— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) July 15, 2022

in britain the i in lgbtqi stands for innit

— Adam (@adamgreattweet) July 8, 2022

I've written a script for a low-budget version of 'The Tempest'. It's just a draught at the moment.

— Paul Eggleston (@pauleggleston) July 12, 2022

And another from Mr Eggleston:

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny.

— Paul Eggleston (@pauleggleston) July 11, 2022

I was thinking of trying a new act that’s like Puppetry of the Penis for ventriloquism but my agent said that was just talking bollocks.

— Gary Delaney is on tour now (@GaryDelaney) July 14, 2022

Whenever anyone asked Godzilla’s mum what her son did for a living, she would say he was "something big in the city"

— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) July 13, 2022

doctor: tongue out please
me:
doctor: of my ear
me: ok

— john (@mrjohndarby) July 14, 2022

I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy set from Aldi, and it comes with Aldi king's horses and Aldi king's men.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) July 7, 2022

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings and it’s still not as sensitive as a man on Twitter who has been told he’s wrong.

— Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) July 10, 2022

Published: 15 Jul 2022