Roseanne, America's next President?

WTF: Weekly Trivia File

  • Roseanne Barr has put herself forward to be the Green Party’s US presidential candidate. She’s submitted her paperwork, and set out her manifesto, using a bullhorn outside the White House to uninterested passers-by. Calling herself the ‘physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra’, she called for ‘divine matriarchy; the only thing that can save this planet.’ Her three step plan is to legalise marijuana, change the demographics of government and to ‘outlaw bullshit’ (as ‘without bullshit, the twin towers of patriarchy, warmongering-piracy and woman hating-paedophilia will collapse under their own weight’ - though we think that might be three towers). ‘Why have I been chosen to deliver this message of Female intelligence and its Divinity to a world of deaf males?’ she asked. ‘I have asked my Internal/Eternal Goddess that question, and She answered, "Why not YOU, Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?’ She also plans re-education camps and ‘ to instate and enshrine the Blessed and Holy Guillotine, a fast and painless execution of Justice, and of execution.’ The Green party’s presidential nominee will be selected at a convention in Baltimore in July.

  • According to Wikipedia, Stewart Lee was briefly part of the team writing the first Robin Askwith Confessions Of... movie for 15 years. The scrupulously accurate online encyclopaedia adds: ‘However due to financial problems the movie was scrapped and his script has never seen the light of day.’

  • At last some good has come out of My Family. The dentistry equipment used to kit out the surgery of Robert Lindsay’s character has been donated to a Bangladesh clinic, via to a charity called Dentaid.

  • Joan Rivers smoked so much dope she had to call her daughter to come and rescue her... then later wound up fully clothed in a hot tub and drinking the water out of her shoe. But it’s no secret – it was all caught on film for her reality show in the States. Daughter Marissa said: 'My 78-year-old mother has now become 17, and I have become a soccer mum yelling at her teenage kid.'

  • More great footage of Edinburgh rowdiness is coming up on BBC Scotland’s Late N Live Guide To Comedy on Monday, including Ed Byrne’s pasty white arse in a three-man pile-up involving Russell Howard and Daniel Kitson; Kitson, Ross Noble and Adam Hills trying everything to get a half-naked and hideously over-running Johnny Vegas off stage; and Scott Capurro pissing on a jumper. Just an ordinary day in Edinburgh... Those South of the border can watch it on that iPlayer they have now.

  • Random fact: Chortle’s video of comedian Sanderson Jones during his record-breaking hug has featured on CNN Chile.

  • Every comedian’s been here:

  • Mark Steel presented an awards show this week, and afterwards someone came up to him to say: ‘You were brilliant mate, even though hardly anyone was laughing.’

  • Ross Noble and Red Dwarf’s Danny John Jules will be heading a fundraising bike ride tomorrow from renowned biker venue Ace Cafe London in Stonebridge, North West London, to ExCel exhibition centre in Docklands, where the MCN Motorcycle Show. is being held.

  • Tweets of the week (well, day – too many Chris Huhne gags to ignore...):
    Prince Charles (not the real one, we suspect) (@ Charles_HRH): Fabio Capello on the phone. Says he's thinking of replacing John Terry with Chris Huhne's wife. Apparently "she's good at taking penalties".
    Simon Blackwell (@ simonblackwell): In the words of Brucie: "What do points mean?" "Resignation from the cabinet and criminal proceedings."
    Twop Twips (@TwopTwips via @@JonOnions ): CHRIS HUHNE. Don't pretend to be your wife in prison

SOURCES: Time Out,, Wikipedia via Radio 4 Extra,, Daily Mail, Chortle, YouTube, Chortle, Motorcycle News, Twitter, Twiter

Published: 3 Feb 2012

We see you are using AdBlocker software. Chortle relies on advertisers to fund this website so it’s free for you, so we would ask that you disable it for this site. Our ads are non-intrusive and relevant. Help keep Chortle viable.