Quotes from his 'unreadable' new book

Amusing as it would be to leave this page entirely blank, instead we thought we’d let Russell Brand’s words speak for themselves.

The following are quotes from the former comedian’s new book – How to Become a Christian In Seven Days (May Take 50 Years of Sin and Serious F*ck-Ups To Get Started).

Out on the publishing imprint set up by right-wing political commentator Tucker Carlson – and with a hefty recommended retail price of £32.99 – the title as been slammed by critics as ‘near-undreadable’ and ‘criminally painful to read’

Judge for yourself below.

In October, Brand will go to court to face three counts of rape, three charges of sexual assault, and one allegation of indecent assault, dating from 1999 to 2009. The 50-year-old denies all the charges.

‘I thought I could use God’s power to get me grubbies on the derma-pleasures and skin-fiddles, the tutty-boobs and sweet-nooks.’

‘Even a principle like mutual Consent is secondary to our shared submission to God’s will.’

‘The collapse of semantic distinction becomes common at reason’s edge, the liminal preternatural twilight that one encounters when touching the hem of His garment.’

‘Not till I was cracked and smacked then uncracked and unsmacked and therapised and had been through Sartre and sutras and Nietzsche and sex creatures, until I’d turned my childhood shame into adult fame, only when I saw the false idols of sex and fame  like two serpents, like two coiled helices, turn with Murdoch's venom and in foul and Faustian disgrace: "Oh, so you want to be famous, do you? And have lots of sex? How about being portrayed as THE MOST FAMOUS RAPIST IN THE WORLD? Ah Ha ha ha ha HA ha.'

‘An organised, demonic intelligence is in control of the world.’

‘Consider that within you… there is a portion of the divine, shooting, roaming, spreading, and searching, and the function of the world is to entice, enchant, wrap, and shellac it, a new and choking womb. Enclosed in self. Trapped on an inward ricochet of solipsistic inner circuitry, caroming endlessly in here with constant wants and fears.’

‘All my life I’ve been trying to make matter divine, to make it luminous with the numinous, but matter ain’t like that.’

‘Amdist the infinite which is where even competing and elsewise opposed epistemologies places us, even universal laws are a little more than local customs.’

Published: 29 May 2026