Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer

Every day until the end of the Fringe, we're asking one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions from the RHLSTP podcast to comedians. Here's today's batch of insights... RHLSTP is also at the Assembly Rooms at 13:00 until August 14. Tickets.

Oh god. I hate how easy of a question this is for me. A cat, obviously. They're hard-to-get, sensual and you just know they know how to use their tongue. Can this answer get me arrested?  Emily Wilson whose show Emily Wilson: Fixed is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 10:25pm

This question is absolutely a trap. But obviously dolphin.  Brian McElhaney whose show BriTANicK is on at Assembly at 7:45pm

It would be our honour to have sex with an electric eel. Spicy.   Cory Peter Lane, Jeremy Elder and Hunter Saling whose show Business Casual: Feral is on at Gilded Balloon at 8:20pm

If I absolutely HAD to, probably a human. Alasdair Beckett-King whose show Nevermore is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 7:00pm

Animal from The Muppet Show.  Tony Law  whose show Tony Law A Now Begin in Again is on at Monkey Barrel  at 12:00am

Whichever animal is least able to communicate with humans and snitch on me. None of this sonar business with bats I bet they'd figure out some way to translate it into WhatsApp or something. No thanks, not happening.  Patrick Spicer whose show Who’s This All of a Sudden is on at Gilded Balloon at 6:20pm

Weird question but obviously the jacked kangaroo that went viral a while ago. I think he passed away so I only mean when he's still alive. Having sex with a DEAD animal is where I draw the line.  Mary Beth Barone whose show Silly Little Girl is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:30pm

This question has made me feel weird on the inside. A dressage horse though.  Lucy Frederick whose show Lucy Frederick's Big Fat Wedding is on at Gilded Balloon Patterhoose at 3:40pm

A jaguar, because let's be real... they're hot! Sleek, muscular... who wouldn't? Eli Matthewson whose show Daddy Short-Legs is on at Underbelly George Square at 8:50pm

A hyena. Because when it laughed at my poor technique I could pretend that it wasn't.   Justin Moorhouse whose show Stretch & Think is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:30pm

The Cadbury's Caramel bunny is too obvious, so I'll choose a camel instead; their sultry eyelashes prove they're filth.  David Ephgrave whose show Good Grief - Edinburgh Fringe 2022 at Chortle.co.uk">David Ephgrave: Good Grief is on at Just the Tonic at the Caves at 2:40pm

Sloth, it isn't getting away that easy  Ori Halevy whose show Darkest thoughts is on at Brass Monkey at 4:00pm

No contest. Front half of a cow fused with the back half of a deer.  The Awkward Silence whose show The Awkward Silence's Big Break is on at Gilded Balloon at 2:20pm

Norris would probably like to have sex with her cat, Atticus Finch. If you get the literary reference she may consider fucking you too because you've read a book, which according to her Hinge is rare.  Norris & Parker whose show Sirens is on at Monkey Barrel at 9:15pm

I do have to have sex with animals, and I don't find this question funny.   Emmy Blotnick whose show The 30 Fragrances of Jennifer Lopez: A Show About Death, Betrayal and Financial Ruin is on at Assembly at 6:40pm

My flatmate’s cat Sinead. She was a rescue and has come a long way from the timid, nervy 10 year old I met – much more tactile and relaxed. I have some very uneasy feelings for her now – but the chances of us making love are Slim – she won’t even let me pick her up. She literally says "noooooooooo" when I try. Tom Ward whose show Anthem is on at Monkey Barrel at 10:25pm

I would have to go for the mink (European not American). Animal-wise it is the closest one would get to going at it with an upper-class woman round the back of a concert hall. And would probably make very similar noises.  Marcel Lucont whose show Marcel Lucont Etc. - A Chat Show is on at Just The Tonic at 6:30pm

I think a stingray would be nice. They always have that smile on their face too.  Brennan Reece whose show Crowded is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:20pm

Giraffe. We have a similar body type.  Sean McLoughlin whose show So Be It is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 7:55pm

Dolphins I feel like would treat me right. They are also so silky i just feel like the cuddling afterwards will be quite nice.   Erika Ehler whose show Femcel is on at Monkey Barrel  at 9:40pm

A tapir. They seem like fun. Ali Brice whose show I Tried To Be Funny, But You Weren't Looking is on at Banshee Labyrinth at 4:50pm

A manatee -- the original mermaid. Alex MacKeith whose show Thanks for Listening  is on at Underbelly at 2:45pm

I'd have sex with one of those animals where the male carries the baby. Seahorses?! Nothing sexier then someone (seahorse) smashing the patriarchy.   Jay Bennett whose show Yasmine Day: Songs in the Key of Me is on at Voodoo Rooms at 7:40pm

A dolphin. They apparently do have sex for pleasure and I would just like to know they are enjoying it too, you know?   Schalk Bezuidenhout whose show I'll Make Laugh To You (Like You Want Me To) is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:40pm

Published: 8 Aug 2022