For comedians putting everything into the Fringe, this is just another blow, says Alexandra Haddow

As comedians, we understand we’re never going to be anyone’s priority. Other people have important jobs like doctors, lawyers, and whatever evil stuff everyone gets up to in the city that nobody else understands. 

When Covid hit, comedy was left out of the arts funding. Why wouldn’t we be? We only famously provide THE BEST MEDICINE. The culmination of our year for a lot of us is writing something to take to the Edinburgh Fringe, an extremely expensive endeavour which seems to yield fewer results as the years go on.

I’m debuting this year and genuinely thought people must be exaggerating when they talked about how much money it costs to do the full run at a paid venue. I’m writing this article on my lunch break at a day job before going to do a gig, then go home, finalise my poster, work on my show for my next preview tomorrow and apply for a bursary. 

There’s a lot of work as well money that goes into it, and if we’re lucky, we might break even. So why do it? Well, if we’re good or lucky, or lucky and good, a TV producer might see some potential in us, we might get offered a run at Soho Theatre, or given ten grand by a mysterious benefactor who wants nothing in return but to support the arts. 

OR, we might win an award. A little reward for a lot of hard work. Something to aim for. A teeny tiny cherry on a cake filled with debt. 

So when, this morning, I read that the Edinburgh Comedy Awards might not go ahead due to lack of a sponsor (Et tu, Dave?) it almost washed over me with a numb inevitability that of course this small and mostly inconsequential joy might be taken away from us. 

Last year acts, were blessed with smaller audiences due to the extremely useful Fringe app not being provided; this year potentially no awards. For an industry that gets hired to host every other industry ceremony in the country (I’m looking at you, The South of England Drainage Association Annual Prize Giving) the irony that we might not even get our own is not lost on us. 

Director of the awards Nica Burns has twice funded the whole thing herself, which brings a tear to my eye that there are still Good Eggs in the world, but she needs someone to step up this year and help give the £200k needed to keep the prize going. 

I’ve had a quick think and potential sponsors could include RyanAir (they’re a joke themselves, albeit with very bad timing), Avanti West Coast (they take the piss all the time and have made so many of us late to gigs quite frankly it’s the least they could do) or Jimmy Carr. He’s loaded and he could claim it as a tax write-off. Plus he seems pretty nice and whoever wins would get to meet him. 

In lieu of the official awards happening, I say we all club together (did someone say…unionise?) and throw our own awards, with the prizes everyone really wants to hear about:

Loudest Venue Noise Bleed

Last year, my venue had a curtain instead of a door and Brentford very helpfully beat Manchester United all the way through my show. I may as well have just started doing commentary. Winner gets some noise cancelling headphones and a free session in a floatation tank to calm down.

Unbelievable Jeff! The Commitment to the Sesh Award

Who showed up every day despite being out every night until breakfast? Who can you not believe survived? Who’s Artist’s Bar card was frayed at the edges? The least these people deserve is an award. Just don’t make it a bar tab.

Shittest Review

Let’s lean into it. Got a two star from a website with eight readers? You might be eligible for this prestigious new prize.

Sweatiest Audience 

Edinburgh remains the only city, nay, the only festival, that despite happening in rooms near the earth’s molten core every summer, is yet to look at the cost / benefit analysis of air con. When someone introduces fans to them it’s gonna be a game changer.

Capitalist Accommodation (Maybe sponsored by Foxtons?)

Who’s paid four grand for a nest in a tree with three students? Who’s flat didn’t have a roof? Who bunked up with fourteen other acts to keep their accommodation under a grand? It’s all to play for!

Least Number of People In

You may as well win an award if nobody turned up to your show and you start to feel a bit  Joaquin Phoenix-y.

Best Social Media Tantrum 

Save the best till last, the new Perrier Award (it’s the only sponsor we all remember let’s be honest). Who’s screenshots are being sent round the comedy community quicker than and STI on the last weekend? Who’s claiming they’re being singled out and punished by the industry and ‘doesn’t care anyway’? Who’s acting like your Aunty Linda on Facebook after her divorce? This one might be accepted via video-link though, we suspect.

I know they might seem facile or pointless to people outside the comedy industry, but if a bunch of people who seek approval can’t at least compete for a statue sponsored by a bakery or a radio station, then really, what is the point? Be right back: I’m off to rant about it on Facebook.

• Alexandra Haddow makes her Edinburgh fringe debut in Not My Finest Hour, 6:55pm Pleasance Courtyard 

Published: 30 May 2023