'The Jacksons look like Halloween on the burns unit' | More from Frankie Boyle's book Scotland's Jesus

'The Jacksons look like Halloween on the burns unit'

More from Frankie Boyle's book Scotland's Jesus

In the second of three extracts from Frankie Boyle's new book Scotland's Jesus, the 'only officially non-racist comedian' recalls the Michael Jackson lawsuit...

Michael Jackson’s family are accusing concert promoters AEG of only caring about money, by launching a $40 billion lawsuit against them. They’re saying the promoters forced Jacko to perform, which then led to his death. Unlike Jacko’s family, as when they forced him to perform it only led to an emotionally stunted, self-loathing, body-dysmorphic, drugged, addicted man-child who sought escapism in the company of children and monkeys.

They say that the jury will see some ugly stuff – they’re not kidding. The rest of the Jacksons look like Halloween on the burns unit. Katherine Jackson says she didn’t want AEG to force Jacko into performing when it could have damaged his health – she’d have rather they’d used one of the more disposable members of the family, like Jermaine.

AEG claim that Jacko was keeping his health problems a secret. A secret? Well, hardly – he looked like something you’d pass on a ghost train. If AEG lose the case they’ll have to pay out $40 billion – what can they put on to raise that sort of cash? I’m guessing they’re trying to work out if some jump leads will reanimate Jacko’s corpse. Courtroom details are sketchy but there were claims AEG responded to rumours of Jacko’s fits and rampant pill-popping by cynically suggesting more maraca solos. Jacko was given very strong drugs to help him sleep – to be fair, if every time I closed my eyes I could see Macaulay Culkin doing that screaming face I’d need an anaesthetic as well.

His children say Jacko did everything he could to give them a normal childhood – and speaking as someone who grew up on a merry-go-round with a baboon as a wet nurse I think he did a great job of it. It’ll be interesting to see if the kids display any of Jacko’s personality traits – you know, his little foibles like living on a rollercoaster and being best friends with a circus.

Former Oliver! star Mark Lester claimed he’s the father of Jacko’s daughter Paris. If Mark is the father it could be a chance for the kids to lead a more normal life – and it’s coming to something when moving in with a grown-up Oliver Twist on the other side of the world is ‘more normal’. This sort of attention isn’t good for kids – or anybody – and it was no surprise to see our easily outraged tabloids using a kid’s suicide in an attempt to sell copies.

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber’s increasingly bizarre behaviour has worried some that he might be turning into the new Jacko. He’s even building a zoo. Hopefully, he won’t use the zoo to indulge his sick urges. Apparently, Jacko would often coat his buttocks in sand, before inverting himself and getting his butler to startle the ostriches. Still, the man’s dead. We should remember him in happier times: dangling a baby out of a window perhaps, or sharing a bed with three nine-year-olds while a bemused Liz Taylor scraped up llama turds with a gold disc.

Bieber failed to collect his pet monkey from quarantine so he’s gone to a zoo. It’s the best place for him. Whereas the best place for the monkey would be back in the jungle. I hope that ten years from now a giant silverback gorilla turns up at Bieber’s door and says, ‘Why did you leave me, Daddy?’ before ripping his face off. And for anyone who’s thinking ‘Monkeys don’t grow into gorillas’, may I just point out they can’t work doorbells, either.

Justin Bieber left a message in the visitors’ book at Anne Frank’s house hoping that if Anne were alive she would be a fan of his. If Anne Frank were alive she’d be eighty-four years old. She’d much more likely be targeted by Harry from One Direction.

Bieber was caught on camera spitting off a balcony as a crowd of fans gathered below. It’s not the first time he’s treated his fans with utter disdain, as there’s also his music. He’s a multi-millionaire who turned nineteen earlier this year – of course he acts badly. It’s not going to be a tremendous shock when he turns into a transsexual antiques expert.

© Frankie Boyle

From Scotland's Jesus, published by HarperCollins. Click here to buy the book.

Yesterday's extract. Concludes tomorrow...

Published: 11 Dec 2013

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