How to be a hunter-gatherer | Kurupt FM's Chabuddy G shares post-apocalyptic tips in this extract from his new book

How to be a hunter-gatherer

Kurupt FM's Chabuddy G shares post-apocalyptic tips in this extract from his new book

Picture the scene: It's 2018. Post-Brexit Britain is now a Third-World country. Trump is still president (he’s half android, half dickhead). There’s only one Londis left in London. Food is sparse, you must hunt to eat – it’s like the bloody Hungry Games out there, mate!

Don’t worry, you will survive. just follow my tips on how to get by when the shit hits you in the face (literally, human shit will be all that there is to use as ammo in the future if you’re not prepared)

Chabbudy

BE A FIRE STARTER, A TWISTED FIRE STARTER

A true hunter-gatherer will know that the first thing you must do is start a fire. It will be your most essential tool for staying alive – it gives you heat, light and food. It’s also good for telling spooky stories. Here’s how you start a fire from scratch.

Chabbudy with axe1. Gather wood.
2. Gather a lighter.
3. Use lighter to light the wood.
4. If the lighter doesn’t work, gather matches and use them.
5. If it’s windy, ask a friend to help you.
6. Even better, ask him for a lighter.
7. Tell a spooky story and stay warm.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, AND SHELTER

Besides the zombie crackheads that want to eat your flesh and the genetically modified illuminati tomato humans, the hunter-gatherer’s biggest enemy is the elements. Girth, wind and fire, baby, they’re killers! You MUST get a roof over your head ASAP.

1. Find a shelter.
2. Enter it.

DESPERATE TIMES, DESPERATE MEASURES

f you don’t eat, you die! It’s simple, mate. This is where you must employ all your hunter-gathering skills. I once got lost on Hounslow Heath for three hours and to survive, I had to catch and eat three butterflies, two ladybirds and two eggs that I found in a bird’s nest. I didn’t want to do it but when push comes to shove, sometimes you have to eat what Mother Nature provides, even if it is traumatic and then you find your way out minutes later and regret it.

CUM IN A CUP

Bear Grylls is a complete idiot. He hasn’t even been alone in the wilderness – there’s always a cameraman with him! He’s always drinking his own piss and inhaling his own farts but he’s got it wrong, mate.

Urine does nothing for you, but semen is very good for you – it’s a natural oxidant, great for the skin and can keep you going for days! Spit or swallow? If you want to live, always swallow!

So, next time you’re in need of a boost, don’t drink your own piss, just cum in a cup. Cheers! (I would recommend eating pineapple before, definitely not asparagus or fish.)

FIND IT, KILL IT, EAT IT, WEAR IT

Hunting isn’t just about eating, though. Sometimes you must kill to look good. Even if you’re starving and living in your own shit, that’s no excuse to look like a tramp!

I want to leave a stylish-looking corpse, so if you do kill a hedgehog, eat the meat, sure, but keep the skin and make some sexy spiky shoes.

Kill a tortoise, make a hat. Kill a chicken, make a chicken-skin bag. Use your imagination. The majority of the world might be dead but that doesn’t mean fashion has to die too.

TRADING

I’ve always been a hustler, mate, two steps ahead of the market. Sterling? Euros? Bitcoin? Ha! More like shitcoin! All useless, mate! In this post-apocalyptic world, we will return to the age-old practice of trading. Here are some of my predictions for items that will one day be of high value and will all be great trading commodities!

PLEATHER

I only wear pleather. Why? Because a good pleather jacket will be worth a lot as it’s multipurpose. It looks great but it’s also strangely edible and will last for days because it’s very, very chewy.

FREDDO BARS

In the years after Brexit, one single Freddo bar will be worth up to £750. They will be like gold dust! I have bought 8,000 boxes and frozen all of them in anticipation. Can’t wait to cash in!

Chabuddy with Freddos

• Taken from How To Be A Man by Chabuddy G, published by HarperCollins. Click here to buy.

Published: 7 Nov 2018

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