'I don’t have extra nipples that I am aware of' | Lindsey Santoro on her most memorable gigs

'I don’t have extra nipples that I am aware of'

Lindsey Santoro on her most memorable gigs

Brummie comic Lindsey Santoro is presenting her show Pink Tinge – nominated for best newcomer at last year’s Edinburgh Comedy Awards – to London’s Soho Theatre next week, Here she recalls five of her most memorable gigs…

First gig

My first gig proper was part of James Cook‘s comedy course, so that was lovely because it was just five minutes in front of a friendly audience.

Although in truth, my very very first gig was when I was 21 - I decided to go to an open mic night but I didn’t realise it was a musician’s open mic night so all these people are playing Wonderwall on acoustic guitars and then I got up and started about talking about slugs setting fire to my own hair and it made no sense.

I had drunk three bottles of wine before doing it because I was so nervous and then I jumped off the stage and fell on the sound desk so that was my very very first gig, although I don’t count it as a gig, I think it was more of a mental breakdown

Gig that taught me the biggest lesson

Probably one I did in Portsmouth. I was jumping around on the stage and I was kicking my legs about so much. My shoe flew off and hit an elderly woman in the head. It’s hard to win the audience round after that.

So I think the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is make sure you always tie your shoe laces up properly.

Strangest audience member

There was a woman who came up to me after a gig and told me that she had an extra nipple too even though I hadn’t been talking about extra nipples on stage and I don’t have extra nipples that I am aware of.

Worst heckler 

The man at a Christmas gig who got his willy out (but I didn’t see it because it was too dark in the room and the willy was too small) and then proceeded to shout I love you over every punchline

Worst journey to a gig 

When I was entering a comedy competition and I had to drive up the M6, which is always an absolute treat, in the snow with another act and my windscreen wipers weren’t working. I’d also run out of washer fluid.

When I got to the gig it turned out that they decided they would allow video entries due to the weather but because I was on the motorway I did not get this memo. I didn’t even get through to the next round and I almost died twice. 

Maybe as well,  the gig I did for a festival where the traffic was so bad I had to piss in a nappy. Oh there’s hundreds of stories like this - as a comedian you learn to be very creative with where to have a wee.

Lindsey Santoro: Pink Tinge is at Soho Theatre from January 25 to 27 at 9pm.

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Published: 17 Jan 2024

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