'I'd look weird with a foot-long knob'

The Weekly Trivia File

  • ‘I have no talent apart from telling jokes. Some might say that I have no talent there either, but I’m definitely captain of the lucky club.’ Jimmy Carr.

  • Ricky Gervais has written a song to sing to Elmo when he appears on Sesame Street next month. He said: ‘As a failed rock star I try to squeeze in the odd composition whenever possible.’

  • And what a perfect kids’ TV guest Gervais will make. This week he went on TV saying that he had testicles ‘on the large side’, but a less impressive penis. However, he insisted: ‘I’m not worried about it, if you saw me naked you wouldn’t go, “Jesus that’s the smallest penis I’ve ever seen”, you wouldn't have to squint… Everything in proportion.’ On the normally highbrow Inside The Actor’s Studio programme, Gervais also discussed the possibility of a penis enlargement. ‘I’d look weird with a foot long knob wouldn’t I? It’d be ridiculous, also I’d faint if I got an erection as all the blood would be in there, it’s fine, it’s fine, really it’s average.’

  • One viewer has complained to broadcast watchdog Ofcom about sex and nudity... in an episode of The Simpsons.

  • Russell Brand says he sleeps with up to 80 women a month, saying he finds it easy to seduce them because ‘the thing I’m offering I can deliver’. We got a glimpse into his seduction techniques this week as one of the two blondes he took home from a London nightclub revealed: ‘He poured us a glass of wine then stripped off. He was dancing around in his tight white pants.’ Apparently they made their excuses and left before anything untoward happened…

  • German pensioner Ingrid van Bergen says she wants to be a stand-up comedian. Her qualifications? She has spent seven years in jail for manslaughter after shooting her toyboy twice and smashing his skull, and has just won the German version of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

  • If anyone can make head or tails of this kid practising his stand-up set, let us know…

  • Stand-up Jason Cook says he once wore his wife's underwear to a gig’ because I had no clean ones’. ‘The lacy edge of them kept popping over my jeans,’ he confessed. ‘It took [the audience] a long time to believe the truth and not that I am some weird panty fetishist.’

  • We’re not saying James Corden is a glutton, but… A pastry shop in Beaconsfield, Bucks, went bust after the Gavin & Stacey star moved away – and now a Chinese restaurant is on the brink of failure, too. Manager Pui Looi said wistfully: ‘James was a wonderful customer and always ordered a lot. However, it looks like he’s moved on.’

  • John Cleese has reportedly ended his relationship with Californian comedian Barbie Orr – the woman who discretely said of the former Python’s wedding tackle. ‘For an old guy, you know, they're normally saggy down there, but he really has a nice package,’ you’ll recall her saying. According to the Daily Mail, Orr isn't 27, as originally claimed, but 45.

  • In her defence, Orr claimed she had been miquoted, wroting the following on her website. [Warning: Contains unnecessary exclamation marks]. ‘OKAY now this is almost funny!! I never realized how many people read these papers and think the articles are TOTALLY REAL!! Don't you realize they make up stories for your enjoyment!! They elaborate and twist!! Obviously my “story” they thought was too boring for your entertainment and not much of a story (although other reporters have contacted me...and said they would like the nicer gentler version, thank you)....and so they keep ....well....ya know....!! and some of you are actually believing them!!! Tsk Tsk!!! You should NOT believe everything you read/hear (in this case perhaps ANYTHING you read!!)’

  • Joan Rivers says she ate dog in China... though it could just be her own prejudices coming out. She said: ‘You say to them, “Is this dog? Just tell me,” and they say, “No, no, no...” [But] I know I ate dog. I love dogs. I have three rescue dogs. You hate to eat what you love.’

SOURCES: Daily Telegraph, Chortle, Bravo TV, Ofcom, GQ/The Sun, The Sun, YouTube Leicester Comedy Festival programme, The Sun, barbie.actorsite.com, imdb.com

Published: 30 Jan 2009

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