Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer

Every day until the end of the Fringe, we're asking one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions from the RHLSTP podcast to comedians. Here's today's batch of insights...

You can be the master of your own destiny if your answer to this is quinoa, corn or rainbow bagels.  Abby Wambaugh whose show Abby Wambaugh and Bronwyn Sweeney is on at The Stand at 8:35pm

Whatever the mineral is that goes in iPhones so they could stop that really bad mining and just cash out my toilet. Jake Cornell whose show Man & Woman is on at Assembly at 6:15pm

Water. You know, for the planet and that? Lucy Frederick whose show Lucy Frederick's Big Fat Wedding is on at Gilded Balloon Patterhoose at 3:40pm

Toilets. I like to give back.  Luke Rollason whose show Bowerbird is on at Monkey Barrel at 12:30pm

Improv.   Garrett Millerick whose show Just Trying to Help  is on at Monkey Barrel at 11:25pm

Tango Ice Blast (Blue flavour).  Brennan Reece whose show Crowded is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:20pm

Toilet paper. Then it wouldn't matter how much poo I got on my bum. Christian Brighty whose show Christian Brighty: Playboy is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 9:40pm

Sausages.  Justin Moorhouse whose show Stretch & Think is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:30pm

Money, BITCH.  Tom DeTrinis whose show I Hate New York is on at Assembly at 6:20pm

Mash Potato. Anna Clifford  whose show I See Dead(ly) People is on at Gilden Balloon  at 9:00pm

Toilet Duck. Then instead of my toilet getting dirtier every time I shat, it would get cleaner. That's the dream Tom Little whose show Tom Little Has Good Reviews So Prepare to Be Impressed is on at Subway at 3:45pm

Soft gold coming out , which hardens like chicken eggs do after they are out.  Emo Majok whose show African Aussie is on at Underbelly at 8:30pm

Silk, definitely.  Tom Skelton whose show 2020 Visions (What if I hadn't gone blind?) is on at Underbelly at 7:15pm

Shampoo! I need to buy shampoos no more, and it rhymes.  Moni Zhang whose show Moni Zhang: Child from Wuhan is on at The Three Sisters at 5:00pm

Rainbow glitter unicorn fairy dust. Donna Landy whose show Oy Gay! is on at Bar50 at 10:15pm

Pretty much any substance other than poo. Have you seen poo? Alasdair Beckett-King whose show Nevermore is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 7:00pm

Please do not bring this up. You should be well aware by now that each of us exclusively poos Ferrero Rocher. It's one of, if not the only, reason we formed a sketch group together.  The Awkward Silence whose show The Awkward Silence's Big Break is on at Gilded Balloon at 2:20pm

Pasta. Now the real quandary is what shape of pasta do you poo? I find this question to be the more formidable one, and an excellent test of a person’s character. Anyone that’s says farfalle or a ridged pasta is a psychopath.  Ellie MacPherson whose show Happy Birthday, Mr. President! is on at Underbelly Cowgate at 9:30pm

Monkey eggs. No clue why. First thing that came into my head. Already regretting it. Here it comes.  Tom Mayhew whose show Trash Rich is on at The Stand at 9:20pm

Jokes. Norris & Parker whose show Sirens is on at Monkey Barrel at 9:15pm

I grew up on a farm.  I'm good with poo. Nowt wrong with poo.  Tony Law  whose show Tony Law A Now Begin in Again is on at Monkey Barrel  at 12:00am

Haemorrhoid cream. Because you have to plan out your day.   Patrick Spicer whose show Who’s This All of a Sudden is on at Gilded Balloon at 6:20pm

Gold, but with a poo-like temperature and texture so it doesn't hurt or feel too liquidy. I want it to feel just like poo, but be very expensive.   Dalia Malek whose show Another Castle is on at Just the Tonic at 3:15pm

Foie gras, I'd give the geese a break and make lots of money at the same time. plus pooing Foie gras would feel familiar.  Alison Spittle whose show Wet is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 4:45pm

Custard. Easy texture, delicious taste.  Crizards whose show Cowboys is on at Assembly at 10:15pm

Falafel. Because I don't eat falafel and I don't want to be one of those people who claim to eat their poo, just because it's another substance. You're still eating your poo dude. Look at some of the other answers you get. Bet you some people will want to poo something delicious so that they can eat it. They are sick if you ask me.  Schalk Bezuidenhout whose show I'll Make Laugh To You (Like You Want Me To) is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:40pm

Dark Matter, just to see what would happen.  Ashley Haden whose show Ashley Haden: On The Outside Pissing In.  is on at Counting House at 7:45pm

Bitcoin, I mean it feels like it's the same process of creating it.  Sam See whose show Sam See: Government Approved Sex is on at Laughing Horse @ Counting House, The Attic at 7:30pm

Are Airpods a substance? Could make a decent living selling them, and the cases would slip out real nice. I guess you could do a similar thing with truffles, and they already look like something that’s come out of an ass. Are truffles a substance? What’s a substance? Ciarán Dowd whose show King Rodolfo is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 9:00pm

Published: 24 Aug 2022