Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer

Every day until the end of the Fringe, we're asking one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions from the RHLSTP podcast to comedians. Here's today's batch of insights...

Marcel Law. This would essentially be Martial Law but with me forcibly controlling the public wherever I strolled. Stopping in doorways to listlessly scroll through tawdry media on a mobile phone would be punishable by death, as would blaring out shitty music in public via similar devices. Shovelling lurid fast food into your gaping mouth while walking would not carry the death penalty, but a sizeable on-the-spot fine would apply. Marcel Lucont whose show Marcel Lucont Etc. - A Chat Show is on at Just The Tonic at 6:30pm

Murder, it's a big crime, good for name recognition.  Alison Spittle whose show Wet is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 4:45pm

The Brice Law. You are not allowed to just stop walking without checking if anyone is behind you whilst on busy streets. If caught doing this, you will be assigned a person who will come to a standstill in front of you every 10 paces while you are out and about. For life. Ali Brice whose show I Tried To Be Funny, But You Weren't Looking is on at Banshee Labyrinth at 4:50pm

The Awkward Silence Dictum - whenever there is a silence for longer than nine seconds during a social occasion, each person involved has to shout, ‘This cursed silence must be filled with laughter’ The Awkward Silence whose show The Awkward Silence's Big Break is on at Gilded Balloon at 2:20pm

You can't go into a public bathroom and loudly exclaim, ’It smells like sh*t in here!’ Isn't it supposed to??  Rebecca Kaplan whose show Arielle Dundas and Rebecca Kaplan: Parfait is on at Laughing Horse @ City Cafe at 12:05am

That if you send your child to a private school, 30 per cent  of that fee has to go directly to a state school. Let's start to even out this inequality gap. Faye Treacy whose show Where's Your Head At? is on at The Globe at 7:15pm

When someone doesn't use a blinker in their car or cuts you off, you are allowed to punch them in the face without any consequence.  Tom DeTrinis whose show I Hate New York is on at Assembly at 6:20pm

The Tom Ward Act of 2022 for it to be a Criminal offence to talk in cinemas. Those found guilty will be forced to do community service visiting paedophiles in prison to talk with them seeing as they’re so good at it.  Tom Ward whose show Anthem is on at Monkey Barrel at 10:25pm

If there really is such a law that says it's illegal to sell things in pounds and ounces then I think that's a great law and I want it named after me.  Tom Little whose show Tom Little Has Good Reviews So Prepare to Be Impressed is on at Subway at 3:45pm

The See Law: Minimum wages to performers.  Sam See whose show Sam See: Government Approved Sex is on at Laughing Horse @ Counting House, The Attic at 7:30pm

The Lucy Frederick law for banning stupid people from owning dogs. Lucy Frederick whose show Lucy Frederick's Big Fat Wedding is on at Gilded Balloon Patterhoose at 3:40pm

That no car or motorbike should make a noise louder than its owner can make with their mouth. Adam Meggido whose show Starship Improvise is on at Pleasance King Dome at 3:00pm

Skelton's Law: The Abolition of Wheelie Suitcases Act 2024  Tom Skelton whose show 2020 Visions (What if I hadn't gone blind?) is on at Underbelly at 7:15pm

Sinead would create a law to prevent her mum from talking about the divorce that happened 25 years ago.  Norris & Parker whose show Sirens is on at Monkey Barrel at 9:15pm

Law’s Law. just be cool man.  Tony Law  whose show Tony Law A Now Begin in Again is on at Monkey Barrel  at 12:00am

Ephgrave's Law dictates that if you switch over to a programme that has already started on commercial TV, it will always be mid-advert. David Ephgrave whose show Good Grief - Edinburgh Fringe 2022 at Chortle.co.uk">David Ephgrave: Good Grief is on at Just the Tonic at the Caves at 2:40pm

Published: 27 Aug 2022