Emergency Question: What's the worst date you've ever been on? | Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer © Cottonbro/Pexels

Emergency Question: What's the worst date you've ever been on?

Edinburgh Fringe comedians answer

Every day until the end of the Fringe, we're asking one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions from the RHLSTP podcast to comedians. Here's today's batch of insights... RHLSTP is also at the Assembly Rooms at 13:00 until August 14. Tickets.

I once went on a date with a man who put his arm around me and looked down my top. He then looked up and then waggled his eyebrows at me as if to say 'Ooh! Didn't realise you'd have boobs!' He followed this up by coyly asking 'I'm wondering what your downstair follicle situation is?'  Lucy Frederick whose show Lucy Frederick's Big Fat Wedding is on at Gilded Balloon Patterhoose at 3:40pm

Probably the one where I was trying to initially hide my visual impairment to appear all 'normal' but then sat down at the wrong table with a different person. The date was a bit awkward after that (I still didn't properly explain for some reason I now cannot fathom) Tom Skelton whose show 2020 Visions (What if I hadn't gone blind?) is on at Underbelly at 7:15pm

The all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant in Aberdeen. Buffet to the blind man is like Russian Roulette. I tried to follow my date but lost her, so had to just put a few things into this wee soup bowl thing I found. My date saw what I had and said 'are you seriously going to eat that? Not only does roast beef and trifle not go well together it gives you the worst heart burn ever.   Jamie MacDonald whose show Reasonably Adjusted is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:45pm

My date told me he doesn’t believe women should work. I asked him if he had a job and he said no. I was so horrified that I chose to date him for 6 months.  Kylie Brakeman whose show Linda Hollywood's Big Hollywood Night is on at Gilded Balloon at 7:00pm

He ordered a cheese board and then did a line of ket off a sea trout  Faye Treacy whose show Where's Your Head At? is on at The Globe at 7:15pm

It's a tie between the time a guy I barely knew brought a family member to our date without telling me that was going to happen and the time a guy who knew he was lactose intolerant ate pizza on our date and I had to spend 20 minutes pretending to shop in a supermarket while he had dairy shits in their bathroom. The rest of that date was good but it was our 2nd date and I think dairy shits are for marriage. Dalia Malek whose show Another Castle is on at Just the Tonic at 3:15pm

A girl once left a date with me after 40 minutes and genuinely used the 'I have to wash my hair' excuse. A real low Sean McLoughlin whose show So Be It is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 7:55pm

When my date took me to Pitch Black, an installation on the South Bank where you felt your way around an obstacle-filled house in the pitch dark. I didn't know we were going there, I'd dressed up and was tripping over my shoes. I accurately wrote him off as an arrogant and facetious show-off. We have now been married for 26 years. Charmian Hughes whose show Charmian Hughes: She! Immortal Horror Queen's Guide To Life is on at Counting House at 6:00pm

The one that ended with him saying: ‘I’m a nice guy, why don’t you want to date me?’ Ellie MacPherson whose show Happy Birthday, Mr. President! is on at Underbelly Cowgate at 9:30pm

The man said I reminded him of his dead boyfriend, and we were only HALFWAY through dinner.  Sam See whose show Sam See: Government Approved Sex is on at Laughing Horse @ Counting House, The Attic at 7:30pm

One time a guy who frequented a restaurant I worked at asked me out. He drove a white Bentley and wore a gold pinky ring and only ordered green tea. I said ‘yes’. We went for some dessert, and afterward he offered to show me his Jewellery store in Beverly hills… I say ‘sure’, ever hopeful I might get some bling out of it… but when we get there, he asks me to take a seat, and instead shows me his acting reel. Which we watch in silence. And it’s bad, obviously.  After that, we went to his apartment because, well, it was close by, and I didn’t have my own car. His place was floor to ceiling in black leather furniture, and his open laptop was showing porn. Suffice to say I still slept with him…The next morning, I helped him pick out an outfit for the day, while he talked to his mom on the phone. He dropped me off on his way to work, and the last thing he ever said to me was that my ‘asshole winked at him. Fin. Melissa Stephens whose show Hot Dogs & Tears is on at Assembly Rooms at 7:40pm

Well everyone knows the worst date was 9/11 Cory Peter Lane, Jeremy Elder and Hunter Saling whose show Business Casual: Feral is on at Gilded Balloon at 8:20pm

I went paintballing once on a first date with someone I was pretty sure I was in love with. He relentlessly shot me in the face for about 2 hours.   Bella Hull whose show Babycakes is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 5:41pm

Once went on a date that ended with my date telling me I had absolutely zero self-confidence. Walked home feeling sad and stole a traffic cone on the way, to use as a prop in my show. Got pulled over by the police for carrying a traffic cone, and tried to explain to them it was for a comedy show. They said they'd let me have it if I showed them the comedy routine I was planning with it. I said it wouldn't be funny out of context. They said ‘Well if you've got such little self-confidence in your own comic abilities, you're not going to go very far as a comedian,’ and took the cone off me. Mad night.  Joz Norris whose show Blink is on at Pleasance Dome at 8:20pm

Once a guy made me an omelette the morning after (so I guess the date itself didn't go that bad...) that had six tablespoons of hummus in it... it was the most putrid thing I have ever eaten.  Eli Matthewson whose show Daddy Short-Legs is on at Underbelly George Square at 8:50pm

On behalf of all the people I’ve been on a date with, it would be any date featuring me.  On a date I am usually terrified and don’t know how to have a conversation. Some of the dates I’ve been on have been 90% silent…the other 10% was made up of my dates asking me questions that I didn’t answer." Ali Brice whose show I Tried To Be Funny, But You Weren't Looking is on at Banshee Labyrinth at 4:50pm

I went out with a man who revealed partway through that he hadn't been to a dentist or even brushed his teeth in years. I let him kiss me goodnight because I didn't have the chutzpah to ask him not to and I really wanted to vomit for days after. Rebecca Kaplan whose show Arielle Dundas and Rebecca Kaplan: Parfait is on at Laughing Horse @ City Cafe at 12:05am

I once went on a date with a proper posh girl, who constantly banged on about her ex. ‘We recently broke up. We argued all the time. He even threatened to throw himself off my balcony…' to which I replied ‘Wow, you've got a balcony’"Brennan Reece whose show Crowded is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 8:20pm

I once accidentally went on a date with a stalker. I discovered this when I was on the date with them while we were walking next to the River Thames at night after a show and it turns out they had come to see the show many many times and knew what time I arrived at the theatre each day and how long it took me to get out of costume after the show, so I tried to end the date immediately. This person tried to give me a lift home, which I refused, and then they went home and drew up a critique of our date and posted it on their public blog including the lines ‘she wouldn't shut up’ and ‘the one that got away’ and ‘she didn't even realise that The Drifters didn't record Under The Boardwalk’ (lol they absolutely did - The Drifters fan for LIFE!) and ‘I will tell my grandchildren about her.’ I only knew this because they sent me a link to the blog with the message ‘If I was you, I would want to know’. ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING!!  Katie Pritchard whose show Disco Ball is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 6:05pm

All my dates are amazing. Wait..you mean for the other person? Oh, then all of them.  Albert Samuels whose show Shamilton! The Improvised Hip-Musical is on at Assembly at 5:30pm

A guy so boring that I took him to all seven Wetherspoons in Cardiff for something to do. Vix Leyton whose show The Comedy Arcade / More Fiction Than Girl is on at Underbelly / Just the tonic at 1:22pm

A guy told me he thought feminism was ‘hot… sometimes’ Marcia Belsky whose show Man & Woman is on at Assembly at 6:15pm

Published: 11 Aug 2022

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