'We had to use a tortilla for toilet paper' | The Big Ask: What's the worst place you've ever stayed in during the Fringe?

'We had to use a tortilla for toilet paper'

The Big Ask: What's the worst place you've ever stayed in during the Fringe?

Our first year in Edinburgh we shared a room with no blankets, sheets, pillows or towels, didn't have hot water or gas for a week, and Zach had to wipe his bum with a tortilla because the other flatmates stole our toilet paper. Zach & Viggo and Thumpasaurus: Where Does The Love Go?, Underbelly Cowgate, 21:20

I stayed in a 10 man hostel room with a 9 man stag party. The night before I arrived, one of them got so drunk he wet the bed. So he moved bed. Then I arrived. George Lewis: A man, a plan, a girl with fake tan, Pleasance Attic, 17:45

Student digs with 4 other comedians who didn't like each other. The bathtub started growing pubic hair and the toilet bowl had an unflushed turd lurking at the bottom of the bowl like a dead salamander for the FULL. FOUR. WEEKS. Nick Elleray: It's Been Emotional, Just the Tonic at The Grassmarket Centre, 16:40

In my first year I was uncharacteristically cavalier and thought I'd be all right if I didn't book any accommodation. Like a prick. I was working for Underbelly that year and one night was going back to a friend's house to crash on his floor. But after I walked over The Meadows, he’d fallen asleep and *apparently* didn’t hear the doorbell, the phone call or the stones I threw at his window. So, where's the worst place I've stayed at the Fringe? That doorstep. Richard Soames: Let's Make a Movie, Underbelly, 15:55

In 2008 I stayed in a student flat in New Town. When I got there they were all still living there, stoned eating pasta out of large oven dishes. My pillow smelt of cigarettes and had hairs on it. The microwave had had a cheese explosion. Lovely. Marny Godden: Marny Town, Heroes @ The Hive, 18:20

18 people in a two bedroom flat. Everyone got sick and vomited in the pot plants. Lola & Jo: Focus Groupies, Underbelly, 16:00

A blood-stained mattress in The Meadows. Justin Moorhouse: Northern Joker, Gilded Balloon, 19:00

On a campsite 100 yards from the runway of the airport. I sort of loved it.Lee Kyle: Kicking Potatoes Into The Sea, City Cafe, 10:20

I went to the Fringe for the first time, and just for a weekend, with my husband in 2014. We stayed at a decent hotel. There was free fancy breakfast included and, you know, some posh-person tartan on the wall. It SHOULD have been great. BUT THEN: a TV exec sat down at the breakfast table next to us for a meeting with a comedian. The TV exec started tossing out phrases like 'personal brand' and 'relatable content' and 'panel-show ready' and I swear to you, it was the most soul-rotting exchange I've ever heard. It was so far beyond parody, and I don't care what kind of hell-hole you yourself have stayed in - I don't care what insects overran the place or who puked where or how bad the sofa bed was in the 2-room flat that housed 10 comics - I am telling you that overhearing this conversation means I had it worse. Sara Barron: For Worse, The Tron, 15:40

I slept on a carpet which was more fungi than fibres. It was a long time ago. I don't know if they still have mushrooms like that.Sam Fraser: Stand Up, Weather Girl! Laughing Horse @ The Counting House, 19:45

A place we called Bleak House because it was sort of a hovel underground with rats and a few light bulbs that existed in a state of permanent grey darkness like our minds that particular year. Brett Goldstein: What Is Love Baby Don't Hurt Me; Pleasance: Beneath, 19:00

I once stayed in a flat that my flatmates and I were convinced was haunted. We planted a camera in the living room which moved strangely in the night and when you turned off the light in my bedroom you could see the words 'Dundee United' written in what looked like blood on the walls. I didn't sleep until September. Bryony Twydle: Flamingo, Underbelly Med Quad, 20:30

Last year was pretty spicy. My room was in the basement and it was so damp that my towel didn't dry for the entire month and I got a lung infection. Halfway through the run, we got an infestation of flies and I thought there was a demon in the house. When we moved in the landlord, who lived upstairs, told us that if we smoked inside he'd shoot us. He didn't say it with even the tiniest hint that he was joking. Jack Barry: Tango, Globe Bar, 20:30

One year, I slept on a towel on the floor. The worst thing was that this was in a room where there were spare beds, but which I was forbidden to sleep on, like an unwanted family pet. It was torture. Luke Rollason's Planet Earth, Monkey Barrel Comedy Club, 14:30

Piemaker. William Andrews: Willy, Pleasance Courtyard, 16:45

The day before heading up, I got a message to say that there was 'a bit of mould' on the wall of my bedroom. When I arrived, there was a giant fungus over 3 walls and it smelt like a sewer. The bathroom hadn't been cleaned and I found both broken glass and a chip by the toilet. It was too late to find anywhere else. She let me have it for £300. A bargain! Lolly Jones: Fifty Shades of May, Assembly Roxy, 20:50

This strange Gilliamesque flat that we guessed was part of a former lunatic asylum. One bedroom was about thirty feet high with just one tiny window in the ceiling. And then the extractor fan broke in the bathroom and the month was a write-off. Kieran Hodgson: '75, Pleasance Beneath, 20:15

Too many. I’ve been a bad resident too though. I pooped the bad more than I really ought ever to admit. Let alone pee. Tony Law: A Lost Show, Monkey Barrel, 15:00

First trip to Fringe circa 1987 was sleeping on a bunk bed underneath another struggling comic who emitted powerful farts. This was an improvement on the previous year when I had to top and tail with a serious actor.Jim Tavare: From Deadpan to Bedpan, Counting House Ballroom,16:15

I had to share a bathroom with 14 other comedians for a week one year, I joined a gym for a month so I could use their shower. Adele Cliff: Sheep, Just The Tonic at The Caves, 16:10

There was a rat in my wall last year and he liked to wake me up at 6am. He was a prick. Also the bathroom door handle fell off when I was in the bathroom and I spent about an hour sitting on the floor while people pushed magazines under the door for me to read.Lauren Pattison: Peachy, Pleasance Attic, 19:00

A cat palace. The Travelling Sisters: Toupé, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 18:15

Published: 5 Aug 2018

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