Says Benjamin Schatz of The Kinsey Sicks

Drag queen story times continue to provoke controversy. Just these week, right-wing Republicans in Ohio moved to define any drag artist as ‘adult cabaret’, akin to a stripper, making it a criminal act to perform in front of under 18. It's being seen as an attack on LGBT people's rights to free expression, as well as fuelling transphobia.  Meanwhile, in the UK, MailOnline has been saying parents were ‘horrified’ by a cabaret performance by a drag star at Southend’s Adventure Island. Here Benjamin Schatz – aka Rachel of Edinburgh-bound drag group The Kinsey Sicks – offers his opinion. 

Republican state legislators have been falling over themselves — Eww! Scratch that metaphor! — to ban drag performances in the name of protecting children. In state after state, they’ve pushed laws to ban drag performances outright, to make it a felony to bring children to drag performances, and more. 

Their attacks against trans people are even more prolific; making it a felony to provide gender-affirming health care for anyone under 26, making it illegal for teachers to use a child’s preferred pronouns, and more.

As a drag performer, I have a question about these laws.

No, not about bigotry, cynical scapegoating, freedom, or other topics unsuitable for children and/or comedy publications. Nor will I mention, except to say that I will not mention, the real threats to children posed by rampant gun violence, climate change, Christian White Nationalism, and oh yes, homophobia and transphobia, all of which Republicans are just peachy with.

My question is this:

If Republicans want to ban public appearances by men with garish make-up and hideous wigs, won’t they bar rallies by Donald Trump?

Because Trump’s make-up and wigs are just the start. Some drag queens invest considerable sums on falsies, hip pads, injections and surgery to amplify their figures; how we all envy the voluptuous curviness of America’s most zaftig soon-to-be-felon! 

Some of us have spent a fortune developing a look that he’s been able to accomplish naturally for the mere price of a couple hundred thousand Big Macs.

Then there’s Trump’s dancing — well, I think it’s dancing, it could just be constipation-provoked shuddering (see aforementioned Big Macs)— but let’s be generous. Trump calls it dancing, who are we to judge? And to be fair, Trump’s moves invariably accompany the song YMCA, the gay anthem by The Village People that is de rigueur at all Trump’s rallies. So ‘dancing’ it is!

There’s one problem with the anti-drag laws, though. The purported justification for them is to prevent ‘grooming’ of children by drag performers. As far as I know, the only men who’ve dressed up in gowns by the hundreds to molest children are priests, but that’s, how shall I say, politically inconvenient for the Republican Party. So, ix-nay on the iests-pray. Which does put a bit of a crimp in the men in dresses (who aren’t priests) are groomers argument.

And this is where Donald Trump provides the critical link.

This is the Jeffrey Epstein pal who, as owner of the Miss Teen USA pageant — a heterosexual grooming extravaganza if ever there was one — boasted about walking into the dressing room and ‘inspecting’ the teenage contestants. The father who once said, ‘If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.’

So, garish make up, hideous wig and actual grooming; the most appropriate, indeed the only legitimate target of laws banning drag performances in order to protect children, is Donald Trump.

I know that some will argue that comparing Donald Trump to drag queens is an outrageous slander. And it is — to drag queens. At least we drag queens have some fucking dignity.

But if laws banning drag queens from performing in public end up preventing rallies and tv appearances by Trump, I, as a drag performer, am willing to accept the grotesque comparison and make the sacrifice. Because Trump’s show is one I don’t want anyone’s kids to be forced to watch for four more years.

But until Felonia Trump is forced to take HER show off the road, we’re gonna proudly keep doing ours. I co-founded The Kinsey Sicks, America’s Favorite Dragapella Beautyshop Quartet, thirty years ago, when Ivanka was just a pre-teen taking creepy photos on her father’s lap. 

We’re celebrating three decades of hilarious comedy, gorgeous a cappella singing, and hideous drag with our new musical comedy, Drag Queen Story Time Gone Wild. Catch us at the Edinburgh Fringe, and at other tasteless grooming establishments.

• Drag Queen Story Time Gone Wild will be at the Gilded Balloon at 7.20pm throughout the Fringe. 

Published: 19 Jul 2023