Comedian Sooz Kempner has been wading through the programme

The Big Fat Comedy Yum Yum Brunch Hour (10.30am)

Four open mic comics who all started gigging just before Edinburgh 2017 have landed themselves an absolute blinder of a venue for 2018 - a 250 seater! And it's right by Haymarket station! Start your day at the Fringe with 15 minute sets from four comics who haven't realised one of them should probably host rather than just playing Franz Ferdinand's 'Take Me Out' between each act. They're also handing out free croissants on the first 3 days of the Fringe but this is cancelled after they have quite a lot of surplus after their initial shows.

Don't Be Sad, Be Me! (12pm)

A woman who went through an extremely messy divorce and was made redundant in the same 12 month period took up stand-up instead of getting therapy and this show is the result. The show's ending is her stabbing a photograph of her husband as the lights go down. She's not bothered about getting money in the bucket.

The Future Of Television Comedy  (2pm)

Following three line-up shows and two full-runs doing 40 minute shows this fresh-faced guy who looks a bit like if One Direction got in that machine from The Fly is FINALLY making his Fringe debut. Hear about the bad luck he has with women, how his dad doesn't understand his career and how his nan says so many racist things Oh nan! He's going to be shocked to be nominated, just blown away.

Fetchy Sketchy, Funny Hunny (4.30pm)

Tow twenty-somethings who met at drama school and make each other laugh a LOT perform an hour of very quirky sketch comedy. Sketches include: what if two new mummies hung out at Cafe Rouge but their babies are beehives instead of babies! What if two children went to playgroup but the staff looking after them were all children too! What if their best friend was getting married but BOTH of them were maids of honour and were being very competitive (it's nothing like Bridesmaids, shut up). The show falls apart in the second week of the Fringe when one of them gets offered an agent and the other one doesn't.

Make The Fringe Great Again (6pm)

A man who does an...OK impression of Donald Trump and has spent £17.99 on a wig from Amazon reckons he can do an hour as the president of the USA. It's hard to see which bits are satire and which bits are just reciting misogyny and racism.

You Can't Handle This (7.15pm)

This guy votes Tory, is pro-Brexit and thinks communists are evil. You'll cut yourself on his edge. If you don't find every single rant funny you must be a snowflake, commie. Has a weird sad ending where he gets everyone to stand for the national anthem and he, without fail, tears up.

What's The Mime? (8.30pm)

A comic who has run out of ideas does a whole show in silence. He regretted his decision by mid-June but the brochure was out by then and he'd paid his deposit on his venue. ‘This was much harder than I thought it would be,’ he is heard to say in the Loft Bar every single night.

Got A Book Out (10pm)

A well-known television personality chats lightly and reads out bits from her book and then sells her book at the end and nobody goes home disappointed but they have a niggling feeling they probably should.

Oh No! Everybody's Drunk! (12am)

A young man with such a nice haircut got offered a room at midnight and thought, ‘fuck it, why not?’ and spends a month wrangling drunks and trying to keep their hands off his microphone. He never manages to make it to the end of his story about how much his mum has done for him because of all the shouting from the audience.

• Sooz Kempner’s non-imaginary show, Super Sonic 90s Kid, is on at the Globe Bar at 1pm.

Published: 29 Jul 2018