I've got the secret to comedy: A car | Sonia Aste's having a bad trip....

I've got the secret to comedy: A car

Sonia Aste's having a bad trip....

A comedy promoter once told me: 'Sonia you have something not many comedians have.'

Talent? Timing? Terrific gags?

'You have a car.'

And here was me stressing about making people laugh … turns out if you have a car - you don't even have to be funny!

I should have bought a bus.

Yes I have car, so I can drive other acts to gigs. 'Other' meaning more established acts. Acts so noble and conscious of the environment and the carbon footprint they have chosen not to buy a car.

That, or they can't get credit.

The arrangement works, as I get good gigs in return for my punctual chauffeur services that include a very clean car, which in this business, is an asset.

I've been in cars with so much dog hair next day I pooped a fluff ball.

One car reeked of smelly socks. I ask politely: 'what is that smell?'

Driver: 'Smelly socks.'

Trips are pleasant enough as most acts are nice. Nice as in we grunt 'Hullo' and sit back into that socially inadequate silence that we comedians find very adequate.

Except of course if it's the Italian act, in which case we all brace ourselves for a four hour monologue on how wonderful Italy is … for having given birth to him.

Or if we are dealing with Angry Act.

Angry Act slams the car door and rage cuts the atmosphere like a knife. In fact I suspect Angry Act has a knife! We all panic.

As the driver it's my duty to establish the calm and friendly atmosphere required for the long trip ahead, so I ask: 'Wanna hear some soothing music?'

Angry Act: 'I don't like music!'

I try again: 'How about some radio?'

Angry Act: 'Hate the radio.'

Last try: 'OK well how about some therapy ya &#*$%^&!!'

Of course I don't say that. It would be disrespectful. Plus I've been told a knife wound hurts. A lot.

As we settle into death row silence I can't help thinking: 'That IT job I had wasn't so bad …'

Thank goodness for Musical Act sitting in the back! With his little baby face and 'aww chucks' attitude he can light up any situation!

Hugging his guitar like a security blanket he ventures a brave: 'It's a challenge to make people laugh!'

Angry Acts: 'Yeah? Easy to get a clap just cos you sang a song! Play a harp then I'll be impressed...!'

Musical Act burst into tears just as Misogynist Act starts making fun of my driving:

'I hope you can read a map! Ha ha ha!'

'Can you really drive? He he he …'

Angry Act turns to him and says: 'Drive? She can barely follow the Sat Nav enough to find the next Welcome Break where we will leave you if you don't shut up already!'

Hmm… I'm beginning to warm to Angry Act.

The gig is fantastic! Musical Act storms, Misogynist Act kills and Angry Act gets a standing ovation.

It's always a good trip back when everyone does well. Problem is when only one person bombs … it gets very awkward. It's also hard to see the road with my eyes full of tears.

It's been six months since this road trip and Angry Act has become a good friend and mentor.

As for the other acts?

Italian Act: We now duct-tape his mouth shut.

Musical Act: Is learning to play the harp.

Misogynist Act: Takes the train.

• Sonia Aste is a comedian with a car. She is saving up to buy a people carrier. More stories on http://soniaaste.com/blog/, and she tweets at @soniaaste.

Published: 16 Jul 2015

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