Sam Avery sees a pattern

You’ve come up with an hilarious pun to call the night (Mirth Defect!), you’ve paid someone to design a logo, the venue are excited and the room looks fantastic. Despite the nerves during the day you tell yourself it’s only a trial night anyway, so if it’s not busy it’s not the end of the world.

As showtime comes along the place is heaving, all the acts go down a storm and tell you, ‘Hey, you’re onto a winner here, mate!’ There are a couple of minor improvements you need to make but the space works and the bar manager is beaming as he slaps you on the back and tells you "well done". As the thrilled audience pile out into the street they all congratulate you and tell you they’ll be back next time, ‘and my mate Billy, he’d love this, I’ll bring the lads down and my sister and her fella too.’ You float home on a wave of adrenalin and can’t get to sleep.

Second Night

It’s not as busy early on but probably everyone knows the score by now. The clock ticks on and a few people file in but that group of 12 that were at the first one can’t make it now, they got their dates mixed up. It’s okay, probably not their fault as it’s too early for everyone to have the date stuck in their heads. Still, the room fills up slowly as you tell the acts how great the first night was.

The show is pretty good and the audience and bar manager are happy. You drive home with a head full of marketing ideas and can’t get to sleep.

Third Night

Ticket sales aren’t looking good so you ask some mates and acquaintances if they want a few freebies. Better to have the room full even if you’re losing money, right? Though don’t wanna use Groupon, that’s the Death Of Comedy you reckon. Although can’t do any harm knowing how it works, just in case?

You open the doors and after 20 minutes there’s only seven people in the room and five of them were comps. That group of 6 you used to work with haven’t turned up to use their free tickets either. Pricks.

Five minutes before showtime you manage to convince three stragglers from the bar to come up for free. They really enjoy the show and talk loudly throughout.

You tell the acts how good the first night was, get the bus home feeling dejected and can’t get to sleep.

Fourth Night

You panic and realise that you have no social media presence so you hastily set up a Facebook and Twitter account and start following all and sundry. This results in zero increase in ticket sales but a 300 per cent increase in open spots asking you for gigs.

You put some RESERVED signs on the seats at the back to push the audience forward which frankly, looks ridiculous as there’s no bastard here. Even the tumbleweeds have swerved tonight in favour of something less awkward.

A couple turn up fully intending to pay to come in but see how empty the room is and make a run for it while you’re trying to show them to their seat.

The bar manager pulls you to one side and says listen, don’t worry about tonight, they’re completely behind this for the long term and they understand these things take a while to get going.

You tell the acts how good the first night was as they look at you like some kind of idiot. You walk home feeling empty and pathetic and worrying about all the money you’ve lost.

You can’t sleep.

Fifth Night

You arrive at the venue to find a salsa night in full swing in the room. To really rub it in your face the place is fucking packed. The bar manager shrugs his shoulders at you and the dream is over.

You cancel the acts and tell them how good the first night was. You walk home, laughing at the new posters you’d put up that day.

You sleep like a baby.

• Sam Avery tweets at @samaverycomedy.

Published: 8 May 2014