Katie Mulgrew's festival tips

A lanyard is the lightweight equivalent of a clipboard. It positively glows with importance. Like a high visibility waistcoat but sexier. A lanyard whispers I’m here, I’m involved, I’m doing shit.

Also no one ever really looks at your lanyard. You could laminate a Bhs receipt and you’d probably still get into Brooke’s Bar.

Get taxis

If you can afford to get a taxi in Edinburgh you probably can’t afford to do a show in Edinburgh. Nothing says important like disposable income. And nothing says disposable income like getting a taxi. But don’t indulge in banter with the taxi driver. Important people don’t have use for banter. They only use words when they need to just like the Terminator. In the first film not the second one.

Running

This is key. This is, ‘Sorry I can’t stop I have so many things to do!” But ONLY run inside a Fringe venue. Wait till you are out of the taxi because actual sweating is for non-winners. Losers. Don’t be that guy.

If you want to be any guy you want to be Tom Cruise but only in a running way. Because when he isn’t running he’s crying. Crying is for non-winners. Losers. Don’t be that guy.

If you want to be any guy you want to be Brad Pitt but only in a crying way. He’s excellent at crying. ‘What’s in the boooooxxx?’ When he isn’t crying he’s having sex with Angelina Jolie…a ctually you do want to be that guy?

Carry an iPad

Ipad’s are like pads but made of electricity. This makes them way better then paper. Which makes you way better than paper. Next time you play ‘rock, paper and scissors’ just scream ‘Electricity!’ then run away… into a taxi.

Sunglasses

If you give people eye contact they will be able to see into your soul and know that you have no idea what you are doing. They will find you out. They will know that you are frightened. Frightened of who you are and frightened of who you are not.

So just wear sunglasses.

• Tony Jameson & Katie Mulgrew: Tell Tales is on at Stand 4 at 13:10