by Ed Gamble

1. See Theatre

Every year I assume that I have become a more cultured person in the previous few months and that this will translate into watching all the most serious and brilliant plays.  It never happens.  I’ll watch comedy.  And by 'comedy' I mean Netflix.  

2. Not read reviews

I managed this in 2011, but a couple have always snuck through every year since.  Whether they are good, bad or mediocre I always end up drinking red wine and crying.

3. Get out of Edinburgh

Before I arrive, the idea of leaving the city for the day seems idyllic.  When I arrive though, why would I?  Edinburgh is literally the whole world in August and everybody who isn’t there is worthless and doesn’t know anything and every gig is life or death.  

4. Cook

I’ve already made wild claims about using this Fringe to sharpen up my recipe repertoire but I’d imagine I’ll end up eating ham in the shower like every year.  

5. Write

I hear amazing stories of comedians writing new stuff during the Fringe that has nothing to do with their current show.  I love the idea of this.  But when it comes to it, I will console myself with the fact that these comedians probably don’t have any friends.  

6. Care less

The Fringe is a great time of panic for comedians.  There is a constant level of worry and panic while you are there - a feeling which immediately drains when you are on the train home and you realise that it doesn’t matter and 99.9 per cent of the population don’t care about your stupid jokes.  I know this.  But as soon as I arrive the tensions will start to build again.  

7. Read

I will take five books.  I will read none of these books.  They are the same books I have been taking to Edinburgh since 2008.  

8. Not be a really great and funny comedian

Every year I promise myself I won’t be so great and funny but every year I break that promise.  This year is looking like it will be no exception.

9. Not print out pictures of Steve Bennett from Chortle’s face and stick Pin in it whilst laughing like the Joker

10. Go to bed at a normal time

I like to get my head down at around 11pm at home - but as soon as the Fringe comes round I’ll be lucky if I get some shut eye before 11.45pm.  There’s just too many Pin and too many printouts.  

• Ed Gamble: Lawman is at Canons’ Gait, 13:15, August 8-30

Published: 3 Aug 2015