Dear heckler...

Comic Matt Price sends an open letter to a punter

Dear Punter,

Thank you for coming up to me after last night's show and explaining your well intentioned heckle. Despite the silence it caused, your quip could indeed be perceived as a clever play on words. Unfortunately, I got the “joke” but I was busy.

You are right, maybe I could work it into something for my next gig. If ever I get to perform for people who are mentally challenged, I might consider using it, shortly after the “stabbing myself in the eye whilst being strangely grateful that I'm not you” routine.

Thanks for telling me about all the other comedians you have seen at the venue and how well they have done. I'm sorry that I haven't heard of your friend Nigel who is a semi-pro comedian and I too have no idea why he isn't on live at the Apollo. I'm sure he really is naturally funny. One of those people. Funny face. Blah blah blah... Thanks also for asking how much I earn. It wasn't in the least bit rude.

I know that you're not really racist, but suggest that you test your other “joke” (which I also understood by the way) in front an audience of people who aren't white and middle class. May I suggest Hackney or Stratford? The audience may not be as clever as you with their word play heckling, but you can be sure that afterwards they will comment on your bravery after the gig in a way that YOU may struggle to understand.

Perhaps I can try one on you? Others may have mentioned it before though. Personal space, what's that all about, eh? I know you didn't laugh, but I find it amusing. You could adapt it. The next time you lean into someone and they step back, try standing still. This might help to avoid a slow and awkward walk from one side of the venue to the other.

For the record, I really am from Cornwall and of all the things to challenge me on, this is the most baffling. The joke of mine that you didn't like was actually said by another comedian. I am essentially a failed boxing writer, which is partly why I turned to comedy. Yes, Broadmoor was a bad gig.

I am however, living my dream and I did well last night. I really did. So from one monologist to another, I wish you well.

Yours sincerely,

The comic whose name you have already forgotten.

Published: 22 Nov 2009

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