Zoe Lyons on taking part in Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins

Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins starts on Channel 4 tonight with contestants including comedian Zoe Lyons and – infamously – former Health Secretary Matt Hancock. Here adrenaline junkie  Lyons – who at 51 is one of the older recruits – explains how she took part in the show because she wanted to discover what she is capable of… especially as her alopecia left her feeling vulnerable as she lost her hair and, she feels, her identity…

What made you sign up to the toughest show on telly?

Well, I'd watched it, and I wanted to see whether I could do it or not. I think it was just as basic as that, I really wanted to see whether I could do it or not. I'm in my fifties now, but I'm probably fitter than I've ever been and I thought, ‘I wonder if I've got what it takes just to keep going?’ It was that just to test myself. I know it sounds really cliche, but it was just that, I've watched it and thought that it looks absolutely horrific and brutal and most people would go, ‘I'll leave it at that’. My brain went, "I wonder if you can do that?’

Did you know anybody that's done it that you call for advice?

I didn't know anybody personally. I had friends of friends who've done it and word on the street was, ‘it was horrific, that was awful’. 

Only a few people gave any sort of real detail,  just, ‘Oh, that's the worst thing I've ever done.’ You're like, ‘Oh, okay, that sounds interesting." I'm still going to give it a go. Because there's a bit in my brain that goes, ‘Well, how bad is bad? How bad is bad?’

I've done gigs for three people, that's bad. I've done gigs in pubs where they haven't even turned off the fruit machine and the last thing that the owner has said before you get on stage is, ‘don't mention the murder’. So how bad is bad? When somebody goes, ‘Smell, that's disgusting.’ You're like, ‘Oh, all right.’

What was your biggest fear or concern about taking on the course?

I suppose everybody, if they're honest, one of the fears that pops up, you don't want to be the first out. That's the thing, because you've paid for airport parking! It's always that thing of, ‘Oh God, I hope I don't make a prat of myself in the first 10 minutes.’

I'm very uncoordinated and cack-handed, despite enjoying my exercise, I am a danger to anybody around me. So I thought, ‘God, I hope I don't just fall flat on my face in the first 30 seconds and have to leave.’

I did fall over and hurt myself within the first 30 seconds! I ripped my knee open! I looked down, my trouser was all split. I just didn't mention it and taped it up with some sellotape. So that was a big fear.

Then my thing has always been heights, because of my bad coordination I just can't function around heights… so I was interested to see if I could get to that point of complete and utter terror and push through it.

What do you think your strength would be on the course?

Mentally I cope with things through humour, obviously, that's what I've done my whole life, I've made a career out of that. So I knew I had that in my back pocket

 I suppose the other thing I was worried about [was] I had terrible alopecia at the time. My hair's grown back, so I've got a full head now. I hadn't exposed myself in that way on television, so I continued to work, but I'd worn wigs and I'd worn hats, and I knew in that environment it just wasn't going to be possible, I had to square that in my head before I went, I was like, this is going to happen, you're going to look odd, because my hair looked odd, I had sort of strangly bits. Are you all right with that? 

And I thought, well, yeah, if I can do this, then I can do anything. With all due respect, and there are some beautiful looking people on this series, but none of us were looking our best. And I thought, well, if you're going to do it anywhere, do it in an environment like that.

How did you feel when you got there and saw the rest of the line-up?

Well, you do find yourself looking along the line of people and seeing Perr [Shakes-Drayton, the Olympic athlete]  going, ‘oh my God, she's incredible’. 

The first time I had to run behind Perri, I mean, I look like Forrest Gump when I run, the limbs are everywhere. We were made to sprint down this road and Perri was in front of me and she just took off, this beautiful human being, just striding down. I was like, "oh my God, that's amazing, look how she runs". Then I have to go looking like a pug with asthma after her. 

So you do gauge everybody going, oh my god, they look so fit. [Singer] Gareth Gates is built like a brick shithouse. Then you've got units like [Ex-Welsh rugby international] Gareth Thomas and [Ex-Premier League footballer] Jermaine Pennant. Massive, massive blokes.

What did you make of the directing staff [the instructors]?

I love those boys, honestly, they are incredible. I have  complete and utter total respect for them. They're doing this show now, but their past life, the things that they have done and had to do for king and country… just incredibe. I learned so much from them.

As a comic, were you worried about cracking jokes and getting punished

They don't want that. Actually, do you know what? The first few days were so intimidating and terrifying, that the clown was very much put away for a while: put your clown shoes over there and don't annoy these guys. 

It is so immersive, it is so real… everything is so alert and so terrifying. The clown shoes were truly put away for the first few days.

You must be used to hecklers, but how was it having them screaming at you?

It's a different level, it's very intimidating. I suppose a bit of me was thinking, ‘they take this seriously, so I have to take this seriously’. I was very aware of being very respectful to them and what they do. So there was a time and the place for the humour to come out. I think when you're being screamed at in the face by them, let's say yes, that wasn't the time!

How did it feel tackling the trainasium aerial confidence course?

Awful, that was my worst day. I hated that because it's not that I'm a scaredy-cat, I'm not, I just can't cope with heights. I've never been frozen with fear before and I genuinely was frozen with fear, I couldn't let go. I couldn't let go of the thing I was holding on to and that is when I went, "well, that's why you're here, because this is what you wanted to see if you could do".

So there was a bit in my head going, "well, now we're doing it. So you're in Vietnam, dangling above a patch of ground with two scaffold poles, this is why you wanted to do it, you idiot. At the very least, let go, let go and fall, at the very very least."

I hated it, absolutely hated that. I knew that wasn't going to be my finest moment.

They also made you fight Paralympian Jon-Allan Butterworth, how was that?

That was horrible. I knew we'd have to do that at some point and I knew that wasn't going to be my strong point. I don't think I've ever been in a fight in my life. I thought if I can just get one swing in, I'll be happy, but I found that really challenging because it is violence and it's coming your way and emotionally, I found that quite tough. I'm competitive, but I'm also realistic as to my capabilities. 

And when I looked in Jon's eyes and I could see he was competitive, but also very assured of his capabilities, I knew I was going to get a pasting and it hurt. It really hurt. I think I broke a rib. I was yellow down this side for about a month.

What was it like being gassed?

I didn't have a problem with that! I actually quite enjoyed that. I know that sounds weird, but that was my favourite bit. 

Things like that don't faze me, because I go scuba diving. I've been in situations where breath has been short and I've learned not to panic. So that was why I was like, ‘I can do this’. 

It honestly didn't bother me. I thought ‘I've got enough breath, I won't die, I've just got to keep calm’. My eyes sting a bit, but I remember clubs in the 1990s, my eyes stung a bit then and I knew I'd be able to cope with that one. 

It honestly didn't faze me. If anything, it lulled me into a false sense of security thinking it was all going to be easy.

How bad were the beastings?

There was one in particular that we did where Billy made us crawl on our stomachs with our backpacks on, and I genuinely thought I was going to expire. I thought if it goes on for another second, I'm going to die. 

I think a lot of us were right on the edge of just going, ‘do you know what, I'd rather do Antiques Roadshow’. It was so hard, so hard. I was seconds away from going, ‘I can’t do this any more’. 

Then you get to that point - and I find this when I'm doing my long runs - you go second to second. Lots of people when they're taking on challenges go day to day, whatever that is you're trying to do. So you're trying to lose weight, you're trying to drink less, you go day to day. But when things get really, really hard, you go second to second. You break it down to hours to hours and it's minute to minute. 

And then in a situation like that where you are gasping for breath and you are utterly exhausted, you just have to go second to second. You just go one more second, that's the only way I know to get myself through.

How would you sum up the experience?

It is completely unforgettable and it's like nothing else you can ever do. There's a bit of me that's thinks I’m incredibly fortunate that I got to participate in the show because it does test you, and there's quite a bit of fun to be had if you don't mind losing a few toenails!

But how lucky am I to have been able to take part in something like that and have a good long look at myself as a human being? I'm very fortunate and very grateful.

• Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins is on Channel 4 from 9.30pm tonight, then continues on Sundays at 9pm.

Published: 26 Sep 2023