Who doesn’t like comedy? Apart from the Head of BBC Three. No, I think it’s important to joke around, have a wee laugh every now and then. If I didn’t do that I’d end up losing my rag.
What stand ups do you like?
Scottish comics are funny. But then I would say that, wouldn’t I? I thought Frankie Boyle’s title for his new tour was great. I Would Happily Punch Every One of You In the Face. That’s a fucking great title. Although I thought it would have been better to call it I Will Definitely Punch Every One of You In the Face. And then do it. Otherwise, it’s just fucking posturing isn’t it? It’s like he’s scared of offending people.
What do you think of politicians doing stand-up?
It’s not a great idea is it? I suppose it’s better than them doing close-up magic on Clapham Common. But not by much. I went to see Lembit Opik. To be fair to him he had a tough crowd because everyone there knew who he was and therefore already thought he was a cunt. So it was impossible to win them over.
And on top of that he had two other major issues to deal with. One : he’s essentially a deeply tragic human being who has lost any semblance of dignity. And two: he doesn’t have funny bones. He could have funny bones. But only if I hit them repeatedly with a lump of 2 by 4 til they stuck out of his skin at amusing angles. Which I have offered to do.
Are there any politicians you think would make good comedians?
I’ve always found Ann Widdecombe consistently, arse-emptyingly hilarious. But watching her getting hauled across the floor of Strictly Come Dancing by Anton Du Beke was fucking hysterical. He looked like a puritanical virgin who’d just discovered a giant rucksack full of racist porn and was dragging it out for the bin men with a mixture of disgust and loathing. There’s a fucking irony in there somewhere.
Heard any good jokes lately?
Harriet Harman’s told me a couple.
What’s the difference between David Cameron and Nick Clegg?
One’s a massive cunt. So’s the other.
What do you call Danny Alexander?
A total cunting fuckbag.
Who cares – they’re all cunts.
I tell you what – she is on fire at the moment. She also told me that ‘Cameron and Clegg’ turns out to be one letter away from an anagram of Cancer Dong Meal which is either highly appropriate or fucking irrelevant. I can never tell with anagrams.
- Malcolm Tucker was speaking to Tony Roche. The Missing DoSAC Files – the collection of confidential papers that Tucker left on a train was published last week by Faber and Faber. Click here to order from Amazon.