Exclusive extract: The Have I Got News For You Guide To Modern Britain

Plus: Ten copies mus be won

The Have I Got News For You team have released their Guide To Modern Britain, featuring 'reassuringly jaundiced' reflections on everything from the global recession, religion and the Royal Family to the NHS, education and the media. Here's an exclusive extract from the book (available from Amazon here) – and scroll down to the bottom of the page for your chance to win one of ten copies

NEWSPAPERS

The first-ever newspapers in the UK appeared in the eighteenth century, and the most famous of these still in existence is The Times. It was first published under the title The Daily Universal Register, and the newspaper today bears very little resemblance to the original edition, because, of course, The Times, it is, er, they are a-changing.

Daily newspapers quickly turned into little more than a series of paid-for advertisements with the occasional news story attached, and it is this reliance on advertising revenue that has seen the steady collapse of the newspaper industry, as readers and advertisers migrate to the internet. Nevertheless, the Press still exerts great influence on the major issues of the day, such as the eviction of Big Brother housemates and the sacking of BBC presenters.

It is always worth remembering the traditional editorial stance of a newspaper, or the sort of reader it is pandering to, before judging the accuracy of its reporting. So here is a quick guide to the editorial stance of some of the UK’s biggest selling titles. And The Independent.

THE SUN
The newsprint equivalent of an arse on a photocopier: hideous but still quite funny

THE MIRROR
Can’t quite remove the stain of Piers Morgan

DAILY EXPRESS
Asylum seekers are to blame

THE INDEPENDENT
Capitalism is to blame

DAILY MAIL
Will you die of cancer before house prices recover?

THE TIMES
The Sun with better grammar

THE GUARDIAN
Essential reading for local council diversity outreach officers

DAILY TELEGRAPH
Traditionally focused on outstanding A-level results of blonde totty; now famous throughout the world since MPs’ expenses scandal for searing investigative journalism (or highest bidders for stolen Commons data)

THE STAR
Text messages ’n’ slags

TELEVISION

The UK has dozens of different TV channels. Or, rather, the UK has dozens of not-really-very-different TV channels. To be brutally honest, many more than is actually necessary. In the early 1980s, somebody in a position of power decided that there wasn’t quite enough drivel being broadcast to the public, and that certain minority groups needed their own drivel, specifically designed to infuriate and patronise them. As a result, some new television channels were created to provide drivel in the early morning. Despite the uniformly appalling quality of every single second of breakfast television, the Powers That Be decided that what the nation needed was even more hours of similar drivel. Within a few years, 24-hour, multi-channel drivel was being pumped into millions of British homes, simultaneously enriching a number of media moguls and culturally impoverishing the entire population. Tragic though it may seem, British television is still the best in the world.

A newcomer to Britain’s TV schedules would be grateful for a helpful guide to the kind of programming each channel provides, but they will have to make do with this one:

BBC ONE
Soaps, chat shows, big sporting events, mainstream entertainment shows which boost the businesses of famous people like Sir Alan Sugar and Lord Andrew Lord Lloyd Webber Lord. But it’s totally different from ITV1.

BBC TWO
Poetry, classical music, gardening, snooker, Jeremy Paxman in a mood.

ITV1
Soaps, chat shows, big sporting events, mainstream entertainment shows which boost the businesses of famous people like Simon Cowell and Marco Pierre White. But it’s totally different from BBC One.

CHANNEL 4
Property, cookery, property, cookery, cookery, property, people showing doctors their genitals and Jimmy Carr.

FIVE
CSI, NCIS, CIS, RSI, OCD, SRN, MRSA, Was Hitler Gay?

ITV2
Trashy teen-mum/celebrity dirtbag-based rubbish. But it’s completely different from BBC Three.

BBC THREE
No, it isn’t.

BBC FOUR
Trains, boy scouts, popular beat-combos, thermos flasks, tartan blankets.

ITV3
Er… Morse, Hart to Hart… dunno. Quincy?

ITV4
No one knows.

SKY ONE
Ross Kemp trembling in a trench, pretending to be hard.

SKY SPORTS
On paper, mouth-watering top-of-the-table Premiership clashes. In reality, Blackburn v. Stoke.

MORE 4
Daily Show with Jon Stewart (three minutes of jokes and a bald guy plugging a book).

DAVE
Testosterone-fuelled, male-dominated panel shows where women aren’t allowed to compete, etc., etc.

DAVE-JA VU
Quite possibly the worst name ever conceived for anything, ever.

QVC
Hang on, this actually looks quite interesting. There’s some sort of Pinteresque drama on at the moment, about an awful couple locked in an apparently loveless relationship… The dialogue is authentically banal, and the whole technique is satisfyingly gritty and unglamorous… Oh, my mistake, they’re selling saucepans.

The Have I Got News For You Guide To Modern Britain is published by BBC books, priced £9.99. But for your chance to win a copy, just answer the following question below by November 18, when we will select the winner at random from all correct answers received. Bulk entries will be disqualified.