Laurie Kilmartin on her most memorable gigs

American comedian and Jimmy Kimmel Live! staff writer Laurie Kilmartin – called ‘one of the most fearless, respected performer-writers in the L.A. standup scene’ by the Los Angeles Times – is making her London debut at the Soho Theatre on July 27 and 28. Here she recalls five of her most memorable gigs…

Gig that taught me the biggest lesson

This was in 2014. I was joking about my dad, who was newly dead which meant my voice was still quavering during set-ups. I was early in the process of ironing the emotions out of my voice, I wanted those jokes to exist in my set just like any other jokes. 

I was at the Seattle Underground (the new location, now as closed as the old location) where the stairs led directly into the back of the showroom. I had a few dead dad jokes that were dark and I was still learning how to tell them, so this is very much on me. 

A woman stood up and yelled something along the lines of, ‘I don’t want to hear this.’ She was drunk and wearing stiletto heels. She grabbed her purse and began to step very slowly up the stairs, which I believe were metal.  She was clearly clinging to the handrails as she made her way out, and the audience and I heard each shaky clack of her heels. I worried she would fall, and be unharmed like a real drunk, and then start over again.  A similar thing happened in Tucson, Arizona, but instead of leaving, the woman accepted my offer of a free beer.

 In the States, a lot of clubs do this thing called ‘the check drop’ where the audience pays for all their drinks, at the table, en masse, during your set, and those jokes ended up being strong enough to survive a check drop, so it all worked out. The lesson I learned is some topics take a while to master, and no matter how experienced you are, the first ten or so tries are gonna suck. 

Gig that taught me the biggest lesson 2

Sorry for a second answer to the same question, I like to learn lessons. This show was on September 12, 2001, in New York City. The previous day, we’d had a little incident in lower Manhattan which resulted in the closure of all US airspace. (Like many comics, I reluctantly took that night off.) But for several days, the city was full of people who couldn’t leave it, and on Wednesday (truthfully, it could have been Thursday) someone called about a show they’d put together at a youth hostel in Harlem, for an audience of trapped and stunned Europeans.

 I said yes, because I’d already had my Tuesday show get cancelled, and I like my stage time. I didn’t know if I was supposed to joke about the ash and asbestos that were blowing through the city – I suspected that this tragedy needed a little bit more time for it to become comedy. 

When I got to the hostel, Jim Norton was on stage, and I watched as he didn’t mention the troubles downtown at all. Just regular material and some dick jokes. The Europeans laughed as much as Europeans laugh, and I copied Jim, just regular material and dick jokes. The lesson here is, sometimes people like it when you don’t remind them that a terrible thing has happened.

Gig that changed my life 

2002, New York City. I was doing a set at StandUp New York on the Upper West Side, now called New York Comedy Club. Rick Newman was booking stand-ups to appear on two Comedy Central specials for American troops, to be shot at US military bases, one at Fort Dix, New Jersey, and the other at… Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. I was put on the Gitmo show. 

Now this was before the public knew detainees were being tortured by, I assume, some of the troops who would be in our audience. The show was aired once and thankfully never again, and it appears that any evidence Comedy Central produced a show for waterboarders has been burned. 

Now, to answer this Chortle question: the other comedians on this show were Lenny Clarke, Greg Giraldo, Gregg Rogell, Jim Gaffigan, Nick diPaolo, Modi and Colin Quinn. (I probably forgot someone, I’m sorry.) The eight of us were in vans together for a week, driving all over Cuba and I heard the guys talking about Colin’s upcoming panel series, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. 

These were the top comics in New York City (well, Lenny was a Boston guy) and I was new to New York and I wanted to be part of their gang, of all of it. This was the first time I’d met Colin, and because we were in Cuba for so long, I was able to annoy Colin enough so that after the gig, he let me email him show ideas. 

I did, for seven days in a row, ten per day. (My idea, not his) He did hire me, probably to stop the emails, and I was credited as a writer on the Tough Crowd pilot, which was my first writing credit, and led to a few more writing jobs and the holy grail, Writer’s Guild health insurance. Thank you, and RIP Rick Newman

Worst heckler

2010s, in Claremont ,California, a drunk woman’s 70th birthday party. She’d ruined the sets of the earlier comedians, and I was headlining, so she started in with me. Told me I wasn’t funny. 

Now, this was the first time I’d ever done this but I’ve done it many times since, it really works great. I agreed with her. I said, ‘I can’t believe you would spend your one and only 70th birthday party here, listening to me.’ Every time she told me I sucked, I would agree and suggest other things she and her party could be doing right now. 

I took on the air of an extremely helpful customer service worker. We’ve identified the problem, (I suck). Now let’s find a solution (you leave). She told me to stop talking to her, to just do my jokes. I refused. I mean, how could I do my act when there was a real emergency in the front row… an unhappy birthday gal. 

It took about about 10 minutes, but she finally left. Some of her party left with her, but a few others stayed, and I later found out she and her allies had to wait outside the club for the show to end. (I think one of the people who stayed had the car keys). 

Worst journey to a gig

This would be the very early 1990s. I drove from the Bay Area to Chicago (30-ish hours) for a few weeks of emcee work. The final week was at the Funny Bone in Schaumburg, Illinois. I’d thought the gig was Tuesday to Saturday, but it turns out, there was also a Sunday show. Now, I had to be in Sacramento, California, on Tuesday night. (29ish hours). I’d planned on driving 3 ten hour days: Sun, Mon, Tues. But now I couldn’t leave until after the Sunday show. And I was the emcee – the least paid and essential act on any lineup. 

After the headliner finished (John Riggi, hilarious), I said,  ‘Thanks’ and ‘tip your servers’ then headed out to the car. It was 9 or 10pm. I drove for 24 hours straight, west across Interstate 80. I drank what should have been a heart-stopping amount of Mountain Dew and I do believe I hallucinated somewhere in Wyoming. In the back of my car, I saw a huge praying mantis. I screamed and kept driving, now newly alert. 

I ended up pulling over in Battle Mountain, Nevada because I was nodding off. I stayed in a classic American motel – no brand name, just a lit vacancy sign. I did make it to the Sacramento show (on time, thank you very much). It did not occur to me to ask either the Schaumberg or Sacramento clubs if they could replace me on the Sunday or Tuesday shows, I had a reputation to maintain. Plus I would’ve been out about $75.

• Laurie Kilmartin: The Non-Refundable Plane Tickets Tour is on at Soho Theatre on July 27 and 28. More details and tickets here.

Published: 6 Jul 2026