August 5
It's day five of the festival and I'm loving my flatmates.
It was my 27th birthday on August 3 and they're all STILL pretending
they haven't remembered!
So far they've all said nothing and bought me nothing, but
they did drink my bottle of wine whilst I was asleep. They said
they toasted my birthday in my absence which I thought was so
sweet.
It's a great household, I will list them in the order of shortest
to longest hair:
Will Kenning: A very tall actor who is in the play, Finding
Bin Laden. He is one of the loveliest men I have encountered
in my life, though this sweetness is offset by his inability
to soft boil an egg. He had prepared his soldiers, lined them
up, cracked the top off the egg, and the yolk was as hard as
Paul Chowdry's biceps*. The only thing that was runny were the
tears streaming down his little face. If I one day have a son,
I'd like him to be like Will (except for the spazzy egg-cooking
thing)
Henry Naylor: Author of the aformentioned play, Finding
Bin Laden, and my partner. He is tall too, and keeps on knicking
off with the toothpaste and leaving it in dumb places.
Dave Lamb: A medium sized actor, also in the play, Finding
Bin Laden. He too is a truly delightful man, though oddly enough
I am yet to see him eat lamb. He does however eat mushrooms every
morning for breakfast. We thought it was some kind of fungal
diet, but it turns out that even he doesn't know why he's eating
it. We are all quietly confident it has no nutritional value,
and I believe if he sticks to this ridiculous diet he may contract
trench mouth.
Paul Chowdry: A lean actor, also in play, Finding Bin
Laden. He has the most obscenely huge biceps on what is at first
glance a light frame. Dave Lamb encouraged us all to have a look,
and after much harrassment, Paul obliged and flexed next to the
griller. We rubbed our eyes, we gasped, we cheered, "fucking
hell!", we encouraged him to break stuff and lift heavy
objects. Since then, he has endured the wrath of sexual harrassment
from one Lucy Porter.
Lucy Porter: Petite comedian, and my Commonwealth pool
buddy with whom it is an honour and privelege to swim with. We
share the following hobbies:
1. Swimming
2. The mobile cheese van with the crazy french attendant
3. The TLC classic, Waterfalls
4. Green tea
She is easily one of the funniest people I've met, and we are
wasting loads of time dancing in the kitchen. We're really starting
to trust and confide in each other, for example she told me the
other day that she has a tiny penis. I think it's so great that
she feels she can trust me with such a hideous secret.
Anyway, those are my flatmates, that is my entry for now.
Sarah
August 9
It's now nearly week two of the festival, and my flatmates
are STILL pretending they've forgotten my birthday! They're such
a pack of jokers, they're so good at keeping a poker face when
they say things like, "We're not getting you a fucking present,
you retard."
My flatmates are all well. Dave Lamb's fungus diet seems to be
working quite well for him. In the time since he started eating
mushrooms for breakfast every day, he hasn't contracted cancer
or heart disease.
I'm not sure if I'm paranoid, but I could swear Paul Chowdry's
biceps are getting bigger by the day. How is this possible? There
doesn't seem to be any gym equipment in his room, he doesn't
play sports through the day, and he hasn't touched a mushroom
since he arrived. To get to the bottom of this I have installed
a camera in the fresh flowers I had sent to him this morning,
along with his morning orange juice and croissant. I couldn't
get my hands on one of those minature spy cameras, but I got
a great deal on an old television camera. Will keep you posted...
Will Kenning made me laugh so hard grapefruit juice trickled
out of my nose. And I wasn't even drinking grapefruit juice.
He was entertaining me by the fridge, pretending he was insane,
and his performance culminated in him yelling, "I can see
the bubblegum man travelling down from the moon on a foreskin",
which is to date the funniest thing I've heard all festival.
I've been hanging out loads with Lucy Porter, we're becoming
really good mates and it is such a pleasure getting to know her.
Last night we stayed up chatting til 3am, I think she and I have
got a strong bond of friendship now, and are really trusting
each other. For example, she told me that every morning and evening
she has to shave her back. I promised her I would NEVER betray
her and that her secret was safe with me. I then squeezed a dozen
in-grown hairs on her shoulders and called it a night.
Me and Lucy P are now off to the pool for a swim. Will write
again soon
Sarah
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