Elf Lyons on the best and worst of the Fringe

Elf Lyons recalls her most embarrassing Edinburgh experience; what she can't get enough of at the festival; and the worst thing about the Fringe. Apart from the cost of accommodation, obviously….

Edinburgh cringe 

As ‘ooh la la’ as it sounds, I was told by a festival pro to join a spa during the fringe so you can escape the hubbub. Best advice I was ever given. 

But it depends on who else uses the spa - so research carefully. 

One day after a rather excruciating review of my show had been published and knocked my confidence, I went into the sauna to stretch out my body pre-show and get my head in the game.

 In the sauna, there was the world’s most erotically charged contortionist doing their stretch-outs – and the reviewer who had hated my show.  

I assumed they would both leave eventually so tried to avoid eye contact, but no one did and we all just sat there for ten minutes sweating together whilst the reviewer eyeballed me. 

I then went to the steam room where an ex of mine was relaxing. Then the reviewer also came in. Then the contortionist. Imagine IT Follows but with everyone in the story one item of clothing from being naked. 

Edinburgh binge

Go see student theatre. School plays, uni drama groups, American high schools doing bizarre musicals about pirates. Anything to do with Gothic Re-imaginings of Alice in Wonderland.  Try to see it all. 

I love an early morning school production of Shakespeare to get me in the zone and out of a hangover. Everything about it puts the festival in perspective and depending on where I am in my cycle I cry a lot. 

Edinburgh whinge

There has been a man in Edinburgh since I first came in 2008 – he looks like action man and if he is always about to go for a hike. Has a shaved head, wears a rucksack and a black tank top? He’s not aged in the 14 years since I first saw him. He doesn’t talk simply he loves pushing past people everywhere. He’s very rude. 

That is it. He’s not a performer.  I just don’t understand who he is. Does anyone else know who I am talking about? I can do a drawing if necessary. 
 
• Elf Lyons: Raven is on at the Gilded Balloon at 8.30pm daily.

Published: 11 Aug 2022