Another from Richard Herring's stock of Emergency Questions

When I was four years old, my best friend turned five a few months before me and I thought that was so unfair that I screamed and cried till she stopped celebrating her birthday in kindergarten.     Sofie Hagen: The Bumswing, Pleasance Dome, 19:00 

I once saw a little girl weeping because her brother had built a sandcastle. She didn't understand how he'd managed it. Her parents were going 'Look at this! Look at what your brother has done.' She wept harder. It was like she was being shown the wonder of creation for the first time. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.    George Fouracres, Gentlemon, Pleasance, 15:30 

A boy at my school when we were about eight got told off for not bringing in his homework. He got mega stroppy then calmly jumped out the window (we were on the first floor) . He amazingly didn’t injure himself, just got up and shouted out ‘perfect landing’ before calmly walking off. He was very quiet so I never  really spoke to him much. But from that day onward he was my hero!     Daisy Earl, Fairy Elephant, Guilded Balloon - Patter Hoose, 16:00

Breathing - literally. My goddaughter heard herself breathing a threw a proper wobbler because she didn't want to breathe because it was taking air out of the room.    Archie Maddocks, Big Dick Energy, Mash House, 16:50

I had to childmind these German kids and I had one of them complain that I was colouring in my bit of the drawing too well. She showed me the correct way which involved just having a Spasm with the pen. So there you go; it's not that kids can't draw or write precisely, it's just a taste thing.   Jack Moon: We Cannot Get Out, Pleasance Courtyard, 21:30

My son had a meltdown because someone was pulling his hair.  That someone was himself.    Ben Van der Velde, Fablemaker, 32 Below, The Free Festival, 17:05 

I once saw a toddler have a complete meltdown because he didn't want anymore cookies. His mother was not force feeding him cookies or even offering him more. He simply didn't want anymore cookies and was extremely upset about this.    Caitlin Cook: Death Wish, Just the Tonic, 17:50

A three-year-old balling his eyes out because his mum wouldn’t let him touch the fire.     The Noise Next Door’s Comedy Lock-In, Pleasance, 22:50

I once taught a kid who went proper flip the tables crazy because another child had said his painting 'lacked depth'. Some people just can't handle the critics.  Jon Long, Planet-Killing Machine, Underbelly Bristo Square, 21:30

I remember seeing a child shouting because it couldn't have ‘another' Red Bull - another? It probably wouldn't have been shouting if it wasn't for the first one.    Ian Smith: Half-Life,  Underbelly, 17:15

My friend’s daughter went absolutely ballistic when she wasn't allowed to wee on the grass in our garden.     Richard Stott: Right Hand Man, Gilded Balloon, 12:45

I saw a little girl jumping up and down, howling, 'why is it late?!'. Her father was completely flummoxed by the existential enormity of this banal query, as was I.     Rob Oldham: Worm's Resolve, Counting House, 21:00

I was making my son breakfast and held up two bowls for him to choose from; one green, one red. He asked for the green bowl, which I gave him. He melted down, because although he had said ‘green’ he had wanted the other bowl and I would have known that if I wasn’t a ‘poo poo penis head’! I mean, we now know that he’s colourblind and struggles to see red and green, which makes everything a little clearer, but at the time I was like, ‘what? I literally gave you exactly what you asked for!’   Philip Simon, Who's the Daddy Pig?, Banshee Labrynth, 12:00

My son was angry with me for one whole hour recently because of me having, honestly, because of me having BROWN EYES.    Jessica Fostekew: Hench, Monkey Barrel, 13:30

I was teaching a six-year-old boy the piano recently and he threw a massive wobbly about whether it was Mary 'has' or Mary 'had' a little lamb. I think he fears loss.    

Ed MacArthur: Humoresque, Voodoo Rooms, 14:00

My niece flipped out at the lake because a dog snatched her dirty diaper that was near our stuff and she chased after the dog yelling, "give me back my bumper.’   Liza Treyger, In The Weeds, Underbelly, 22:35

One of my kids once asked me for something he remembered getting in a Christmas cracker about four years earlier and was very upset when I didn't know where it was.    George Egg: Movable Feast, Assembly George Square Gardens, 16:30

Published: 5 Aug 2019