Critics are just jealous of the gash I get...

The mysterious DL takes on the Feminazis

'Allo gaylords. I am your friendly local proper-fit superhero, fighting the radical feminist movement in their aim to castrate all men (#whataretheylike #moist). I have toyed with many superhero names, such as The Black Dapper (imagine how big his dick would be! #jokes #moist) and The Big D (imagine the same thing! #moist) but for now, just call me DL. By day, I work in TV (inexplicably), but by night, I am dedicated to defending male sexuality (by which I mean heterosexuality #notabender).

I'm delighted to see I've already caused debate, and that I'm lubing my cock of the backlash against feminism to ram it into anything vaguely resembling a vagina or a woman's mouth (#powerfulmetaphor #moist). Brilliant as well to see some comedians lube their anti-feminist cocks (THEIR cocks, not mine, they're nowhere near mine #penismetaphor #notagay) too (not that I'd ever literally watch another man touch his own penis, this is strictly a metaphor #gaymetaphor #fuckmetaphors).

Why comedians specifically? Because I'm inside (#moist) their world, I make a 'comedy' TV show, and it's admirable for people within a certain industry to defend an individual against the Feminazi menace in that industry. Don't know why comics would want to be vocally anti-DL anyway, it's not as if they watch female comics (I know, they exist, what IS that about? #holdmycocknotthemike #mikecock #mycock #pleaseholdmycock) - their friends and peers, have their ability to engage with their profession (or passion) repeatedly called into question just because of their gender, miss out on gigs because of their gender, be abused at gigs because of their gender and have to have pseudonyms for email and social media because of the sheer volume and persistence of men sending them inappropriate things (persistence lads, wear them down #theyarenotyourmates #damp).

They attack DL for other reasons lads, you should get behind DL (unless you're gay #handswhereicanseethem) or your sexuality will also be curbed. They attack me for being working class. As you know, DL embodies the working class. The working class are all like DL, all think like DL and they are all lazy, steal, stage cock fights in their basements (by which I birds, not men's penises #dontyoufuckingtouchme) and leave their elders in the woods to die when they become a burden for the tribe.

They attack me because I'm successful, they're jealous, I've got a TV show and loads of gash (#moisture #lubricationofthevaginaiscausedbythecervixoftheuterus) just like they hate Harry Hill, Vic and Bob, Stewart Lee, Seinfeld, Monty Python and anyone else who's ever had any level of success.

DL is a character! (#bitofacharacter #bantz). The character of DL uses misogyny as a comic tool! In my show I'm 100 per cent played as a role model, just like The Pub Landlord, Dame Edna Everage, Les Patterson, Loadsamoney and Johnny Vegas always unironically are. My show is aspirational television. Some say that my worst crime, worse even than misogyny (#moistogyny), is that I preach conformity and deride anything that differs from what I perceive to be acceptable.

What the hell is wrong with conformity? Fuck individuality! Rejecting people who are different brings our society together. Conformity is the reason mainstream/television/paid circuit comedy has so much imagination and is so diverse.

So keep supporting DL. I can't reveal my true identity, but what I can say is support any Vine star (how that has become a thing Satan alone only knows) who might now have an ITV2 show. Nothing is going to change.

Unless people publicly and intelligently attack the attitudes of people like me, obviously that would help foster genuine change.

Look, I need to make money while I can, it's only a matter of time before they realise I'm basically Swiss Toni, but not funny.

• Of course we have no idea who DL is, so entirely unrelatedly plug the Twitter feed of Alexander Bennett and his Halloween gig.

Published: 16 Oct 2014

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