Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy...

Tommy Holgate shares his schadenfreude over Jim Davidson

So Jim Davidson's play's been cancelled.

What a shame. What a twat.

Poor ticket sales. Why ever could that be? Perhaps the fact that everybody hates him and the thought of seeing his play is intensely unappealling.

In fact, if I saw a 'Jim Davidson's coming to town' poster, I'd plan a European city break for that very weekend. Probably Helsinki or something.

I'd happily say this to his face, so am not one of those annoying anonymous blogging 'critics' who mindlessly slag something off, I just think that Jim Davidson's presence in the comedy industry is like a carrier bag in the Serpentine – an unwelcome pollution that occasionally chokes birds to death, no doubt.

Incidentally, his PR folk, who are a nice bunch, have been trying to get me to interview him to promote the bloody thing for ages. I, rather inconsistently, have been fobbing them off. The truth is I can't be bothered with wasting my time on the man.

Seriously, I’m not arsed about asking his opinion on comedy, and the fact that he's basically tried to cash in on his reputation as a racist by writing a 'comedy play' starring a black man is pathetic.

The whole 'you should interview him because he's got loads to say about racism in comedy' bollocks. I don't care about racism in comedy. It's 2011, let's be honest, it doesn't really exist. When it does, it's coming out of the mouth of a red-faced, bloated, puffy right-winger who lucked out by landing Bruce Forsyth's old Saturday night shift some time back. And him banging on about black comedian's struggles in the industry, which he's inadvertently cashing in on, makes me go all bored.

I couldn't even palm off a free pair of tickets to anyone in the office, or my Facebook friends – but that's what you get for putting on a press night in Kent.

I know it's easy to rail against him, but then again, I feel a surprising amount of distaste for this bloke who I have absolutely no interest in hearing the opinion of.

He even wrote a feature for The Sun about Come Fly With Me's race scandal. I couldn't even be bothered to read it, and I'm the paper’s comedy editor.

He tells us: ‘I'd say sorry if I could.’

What do you mean if you could? Just fucking say sorry mate. Apologise for your mindless diatribe, admit your motives behind this piss-poor play, and go and play snooker on your own, drinking from a mug with an 'ironic' gollywog printed on it, a poster of Wing Commander Guy Gibson's black labrador on the wall, with a T-shirt saying: ‘I'm not a racist, I've got a black cleaner’ printed on it. Prat.

Speaking of his sartorial exhibition, I wish he'd put the Hawaiian shirts back in the drawer. I'm planning on reinstating them into my summer wardrobe and don't want to be tarred with the same brush as the man best known for his catchphrase: ‘I have an unenlightened, binary mind’.

Give me a break. A Big Break please, Jim.

  • Tommy Holgate is comedy editor of The Sun

Published: 19 Mar 2011

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