Comedians try to remember what they can...

I took mushrooms and threw my phone in the woods.
John Hastings: Audacity, Pleasance Courtyard, 21:15

I once had two beers and was accidentally rude to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
The Prophetic Visions of Bethany Lewis, Underbelly, Cowgate, 22:50

I once tried to get into Cabaret Voltaire and was informed by the bouncer that i had dog-shit on my arm. Let's leave it there.
Geoff Norcott: Right Leaning but Well Meaning, Underbelly Wee Coo, 18:40

Got really, really drunk when I was 16, I was supposed to be helping my mum but I got drunk with a bunch of London actors who were hunks. My mum, the notorious Janey Godley, caught me and paraded me through Fringe venues, like the shame bell lady from Game of Thrones telling all the comedians: ‘she's drunk, and she's in trouble.’ She made me walk till I sobered up... SHAME.
Ashley Storrie: Morning Glory, The Counting House, 15:30

Once I found myself standing outside Greggs at 6.50am without having been to bed, waiting for it to open. I stopped and imagined what I'd think if I saw myself. It's one of the most tangily pathetic moments of my whole life.
Jessica Fostekew: The Silence of the Nans, Just The Tonic @ The Caves, 16:00

I'm not sure what night it was, but I know it ended with Bill Burr telling me to fuck off!
Micky Bartlett: Typical, Gilded Balloon, 17:15

Last year I drank the best part of a bottle of rum, straight, from a wine glass over the course of an evening where there had already been a free bar. Even by Northern standards I was shit-faced. I was so drunk that I continued to be drunk for the majority of the following day until the most brutal hangover I have ever had kicked in and I did my show while clinging on to the mic stand cause I was worried if I let go I wouldn't be able to stand up myself unsupported.
Lauren Pattison: Lady Muck, Pleasance Courtyard, 17:45

I once snogged a tree. To be fair it was dark, I was really drunk and it was a really fit sycamore.
Michael Stranney: Welcome To Ballybeg, Pleasance Courtyard, 18:00

TOOOOOOOOOOOOO many... I think the time I did a 20-minute late spot, when I all I did was fight a broken rotary fan for the full twenty. No one heckled! Then again, I was bolloxed.
Terry Alderton's All Crazy Now The Pleasance Courtyard, 22:40

There are literally too many times to choose from. When we were doing Watson & Oliver we once had a bucket backstage in case either of us had to vomit after a particularly heavy night.
Ingrid Oliver: Speech!, Pleasance Courtyard,16:30

We once got so hammered at the Fringe during a student show in 2010 that we invited a Scotch homeless into our plush, central-heated flat. We plied him with whisky, nibbles and gave him what he'd sought after for so many decades: friendship. Then at 3:00am, we told him he had to leave or we'd be calling the police. We'll never forget seeing the happiness drain from his face! Ha ha! Poor, stupid Angus! That was a rough morning after, we can tell you!
The Death Hilarious:The Scum Always Rises, Pleasance Attic, 22:45

I once unblacked out and I was in a gym. I don't know how I got there, I don't know why I was there, but I was really going at it on an elliptical.
Sid Singh: A Singh In The North, Dropkick Murphys, 14:45

One year I fell asleep on my back whilst drunk, and woke myself up by throwing up all over my own hair, face, and eyes.
Patrick Turpin: Itty Bitty Little Titty Piece, Underbelly Cowgate, 22:40

I was once on acid and the back end of a pantomime horse in the Gilded Balloon. The costume had these fury dungarees with leather 'hooves'.We did a stage dive off the balcony and were chased out the building by security, as fast as our hooves would carry us.
Markus Birdman's Between the Devil & the Deep Blue Sea, Laughing Horse @ Bar 50, 15:30

We had one party in our flat where I was otherwise wasted and we wrapped someone's head in tin foil and tested which cereal packets exploded best against it.
Showstopper! Pleasance Courtyard, 18:00

In 2010, I slept in a doorway because I couldn't open the front door, and the flat's inhabitants did not hear me knocking and screaming (looking at you Nish Kumar). The next morning I boarded a Megabus back to London and wished I were dead.
Angela Barnes: Fortitude, Pleasance Courtyard, 19:15

I got so drunk that I made out with a comedian. That was a mistake. It was fine - but to this day (three years later) he still sighs when he sees me, with an ‘Are you okay?’ attitude. As if I am still yearning for his tongue in my ear up against a portable toilet. Like he was the one who got away.
Sofie Hagen: Dead Baby Frog, Bedlam Theatre, 14:00

I once scaled a roof of a Freemasons house in New Town with three trapeze artists I met at the Naked Cabaret. We re-enacted the chimney sweep dance from Mary Poppins, all naked. I can't remember how we got down. Never saw them again. According to Facebook, they are now all happily married in Texas.
Elf Lyons: Swan, Underbelly Med Quad, 21:30

I once fired a fire extinguisher into my own face onstage at the Caves late show as was shitfaced and couldn't work out how to end my set. It was disgusting.
Carl Donnelly: The Nutter On The Bus, Heroes @ Bob's Blundabus, 19:30

Having imbibed some research chemicals, they had a rather longer lasting effect on me than I had expected and all of the next day the whole world felt like marshmallows - I walked to my gig (what was usually a 30-minute walk took 90 minutes) before being met by Stephen K Amos whose jaw dropped and said "What the fuck happened to you?" I have no idea what I looked like but I gathered it wasn't good - much like the show that followed.`
Scott Agnew: Spunk On Our Lady's Face, Gilded Balloon, 22:15

Published: 10 Aug 2017