Ten things performers say after sex

Abigoliah Schamaun spills some bedroom secrets

Edinburgh is crawling with beautiful needy people. They are called performers: dancers, comedians, actors. And they need you! They need you at their shows. They need you after their show for drinks and compliments. And they definitely want you After Hours to hold them and keep telling them they're the next *Insert name of famous somebody.*

We performers are a creative people and do our best to bring that energy to every part of our lives. But we will absolutely kill a beautiful post-coitus moment with all that neediness.

1. Hold on, I've just thought of something funny and I need to write it down before I forget it. '

The creative process is never ending. And one must seize any moments of inspiration. I mean, I'm sure you're great, but a true comedian will always abandon a cuddle for their pen and Moleskine.

2. 'Yeah…it's a comedy show but what I'm really trying to highlight is the struggle of…'

At this point just walk out. Yeah, I'm sure this naked person next you was sweet and nice earlier and yes, the sex was good. But they're about to give you a lecture on the subject of dick jokes. Get out.

3. 'What was your favourite part? ...No, not of the sex, my show.'

We performers need validation ALL. THE. TIME. If you're stuck for an answer just name what you liked about the sex and they wont' know the difference, 'You had perfect timing and your audience interaction was spot on.' See?! Could be sex, could be show.

4. Was Copstick in?

Nope, not the reviewer. That's just what some men call their Copstick.

5. 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to "Cowgatehead" you.'

It's the term we comedians use when we invite you in, make you feel safe and secure and then chuck you out unceremoniously. It's OK though, you can reapply to be in the bed of said person so long as your only in THEIR bed and you subscribe to their belief system.

It seems harsh but I assure you there's no malice. It's just the actions of an insecure booker…I mean performer, desperately trying to hold on to something they've created.

If you disagree, you're a whore and your lover will send you a very long email explaining why. Now, go talk to Alex Petty from the Laughing Horse.

6. That was great. 4 Stars.

If someone says that to you just politely say 'Thank you! You get four stars too!' Then proceed to review the coitus, and make sure it reads like a 3.'

7. Spank! You love it!

For those who are into rougher love, I'm sorry. We've been trained for too long and can't help that Pavlovian response.

8. I'm so glad I got a pass to your Abattoir.

Again, we're not talking about the artist bar. That's what some women call their Abattoir.

9. You've been great. Please follow me on Twitter.

We're always trying to build a fan base. And sex is the most grass roots way to reach someone. And hey! If you liked the sex why not enjoy their LOLfest on twitter. #Edfringe2015 #IsThisThingOn.

10. 'I mean for us Edinburgh is like the hardest month of the year.'

If anyone says that to cuddle up next to them and just whisper in their ear, 'Is it because on top of doing four shows a day, you stay out till 5am in bars drinking, but call it 'networking.' And when that doesn't satisfy your fragile ego, you take home a complete stranger to fill the hole that is a 3 star review from Chortle? Is that why it's hard? Or is it just the shows? '

Say all that and then watch an adult cry.