Emails from the edge

Catie Wilkins gets inside the psyche of an insecure comic

Hey Dave,

Good to meet you the other night. Fun gig! You said to drop you a line to get booked in to do a paid 20, so let me know what dates you have available.

Cheers,
P


Hi Dave,

I don’t know if you remember me, but I did an unpaid open spot at your gig the other week that went quite well. You said something about getting me back for a paid 20, so let me know!
P


Hi Dave,

I’m not sure if my emails are working at the moment) but I’ve been trying to get in touch with you about doing your night again.

I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Pip and we met when I did the unpaid 10 spot at your gig 2 weeks ago. It was you who booked me. As I am sure you’ll recall – unless you were pissed (joke!) - I stormed it. Lots of your audience were coming up to me afterwards to tell me they thought I was really funny, and as I left, you shook my hand and said you would definitely get me back for a paid 20. Please can you let me know what dates would suit you.

Let me know if you get this, although of course if you didn’t get it then you won’t be able to tell me you didn’t get it. So if you don’t get it, just ignore that last bit.

That was another joke.

Hope you’re well,
P


Hi Dave,

Just to let you know, I’ve got some potential TV work coming up, and it would be good to get the dates off you, so I can plan around stuff. Let me know what suits you!

Cheers,
Pip


Hi Dave,

That TV thing isn’t happening now. It was a tiny production company that wanted me to audition, and they have since folded. This opens my calendar up for gigs, but it’s filling up fast, so let me know what dates you have for me. (Would it be easier if I sent you a list of my free Fridays and Saturdays?)

Let me know!
P


Hey Dave,

I’m still having some problems with my junk mail folder, so I’m not sure if you’ve been getting my emails. If you’re booked up or have changed your mind about me, it would be good to know either way.

Cheers,
Pip


Hi Dave,

(If I was paranoid, I’d say you were ignoring me!) Ha ha! No seriously though, I’m just chasing the gigs you offered me verbally.

I thought maybe I had copied down your email wrong. But I checked with Johnny Hand, you know, the comic you book all the time for headline spots, who incidentally saw me the other week and said I was brilliant and that he was surprised more clubs weren’t booking me, and it turns out it is the right address.

Do you think maybe your spam filter thinks I am spam?

Maybe you could use that as a convenient excuse to explain why you haven’t replied yet? Let me know.

Pip


Hello Dave

Are you not replying to me because I am emailing you too often? Could you just let me know if that’s it? Then I can email you less often.

Pip


Hey Dave,

This is getting a bit weird now isn’t it? I’m just emailing and emailing you, and you aren’t replying at all! It’s like we met at a bar and you said you really liked me and you gave me your number, but you didn’t really like me, so you’re hoping that if you ignore me I’ll go away, but instead I’ve ignored the subtext of your silence and now it’s like I’m stalking you like some crazy person! Except it’s not really like that because you did offer me a gig. And I’m not crazy. I’m sure I’m not crazy. I don’t want to go out with you Dave. And the restraining order keeps me away from your house – ha ha! That’s a joke. I seem to have to keep explaining my jokes. Even though I have no idea whether you’re getting them or not, because you’re not replying.

If only there was some audience laughing a lot to prove I was funny.

Like there was at that gig I did for you.

Where you said you’d give me another gig.

Could you just reply to let me know my email is working. It seems to be working with everyone else.

Thanks,

All the best,

Pip


Dear awesomely powerful messiah in charge of booking,

(as I’m sure you would prefer to be called)

I have been trying to get booked back to do your gig for what feels like years, but you are ignoring me.

Obviously being the head honcho at a mid-level club you are incredibly important and busy, but I notice you have still found time to go on twitter spouting utter garbage and your pointless opinions about the news, so you would think you might be able to find time in your hectic schedule to reply to someone about the small matter of running your night.

Now, the logical thing might be for me to assume that as you have declined to reply to all 15 of my emails, perhaps you are not interested in having me back at your night in the immediate future. But then answer me this: How come when I left, you shook my hand and said, ‘That was brilliant. Very nice. We’ll definitely get you back for a paid 20. Drop me an email and we’ll sort it.’ Your words Dave – not mine.

Was that hot air? Guff? Do you say it to all the new comics? Why did you say it you didn’t mean it? Is this a game to you? Do you have competitions with your booker friends about how many emails you can get new acts to send before another part of them dies and they tick off your gig forever and you are left alone? Because if you do that’s mean.

You sir, are an ungallant baboon, and I detest you and everything you stand for.

Good day.

Pip.

PS. I am still available - let me know

Published: 13 Jan 2010

Live comedy picks

Now on NextUp Sponsored

TOM WARD

Tom celebrates life for all its sexy little touches, spinning tales of unsung heroes including cheap kettles, friendly perverts and Tupperware. WATCH HERE

JORDAN BROOKES

The 2017 Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee takes us on an absurd and twisting journey through his inner psyche. WATCH HERE

We see you are using AdBlocker software. Chortle relies on advertisers to fund this website so it’s free for you, so we would ask that you disable it for this site. Our ads are non-intrusive and relevant. Help keep Chortle viable.